“It’s Really None of Your Business”

Yes, that’s exactly what the PDP (Power-Drunk Politicians, as someone called them) leadership has been telling us in many ways over the past few weeks (months, actually) with respect to the matter of our ill-to-the-point-of-death (or dead?) 'President' Umaru Musa Yar’Adua.
They have fed us with all sorts of stories (tales by moonlight, haha), which in the end still comes down to one thing; it is none of our business what happens (or does not happen) at the highest leadership cadre in the country, and we do not exactly have a right to know the whereabouts or whatever-else-there-is-to-know of our President.

They are probably right, at least Chapter 4 of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria of 1999, which provides for inalienable fundamental human rights makes no such provision or stipulation...neither does the CFRN 1999 in any place make mention of any civic duty that creates an obligation to have accurate information on the leaders (the President in particular) of our nation per time, especially as regards their location and state of health.

Looking at the foregoing, and considering that our role in bringing the said man to power was not as central as the Constitution would have had it be, it is reasonable to say that the PDP-led government has even gone beyond the call of duty by feeding us with irritating untruths over the past weeks, and for this we should be thankful, rather than berate them for their alleged irresponsibility (yes, alleged...they’ve done nothing wrong).

It is none of our business, really. I mean, the man is not your father, son or brother so where do you really figure in the whole formation? Those who needed to be kept informed, I’m certain were always fully in the know and have (or owe) no apologies for keeping their knowledge secret. Forget the little matter that the man swore an oath to us (yes, Nigeria and its people) to carry out his duties faithfully and all that boilerplate.

Hey, see me talking about oaths sworn to the ‘good’ people of Nigeria. I mean, the man couldn’t perform his duties any longer, yet the Constitutional provision was not adhered to (as if we ever really follow the book sef). Even that is none of our business, or so PDP thinks. A sovereign nation (who in its infinite vanity loves to be referred to as the “Giant of Africa”) was practically left without a President, in the way it would happen in a sole proprietorship business when the owner is ill. Speaking of business, that is also unfortunately none of our business. That’s why our elected representatives did nothing about the matter, abi? God punish dem!
Now, they say he is dead (or brain-damaged, like there’s any difference). Is that any of my business? Hell, no...! And interestingly, he is said to have passed on (to the not-so-great-beyond of brain damage) on the 10th of December; when we in my church (where we felt it was our business) were still busy praying for him to get well. Maybe it was our ignorance that made our prayers go unanswered...LOL (forgive my black humour).

Of course, none of all that is your business, nothing that happens in leadership in the country is your business. Yes, it is their business (whoever they are), abi dem don call you for AGM to share profits before?

So, here I say; “to your tents oh Nigeria”. Go and face your businesses o, and stop poking your black noses in the private affairs of a family man (especially one who’s ‘late’) in the name of being interested in the whereabouts of your President.

WRITING ABOUT THIS NAIJA IS SO EASY!!!

Good day Mr. Chairman (that's me), Panel of Judges (who dem be?), accurate time-keeper (this is my blog and my time can never be up here, okay?), my co-debaters (if any) and my esteemed audience. My name is Joba Akinola (really?), representing young Naija writers (whatever that means). I am here to support the motion which is; “Writing about Nigeria is outrageously easy!” I hope that by the time I’m done, you’ll be so convinced that you’ll forget about writing that piece you intended about Nigeria and go for something more intellectually challenging (and not so depressing).

It is soooooooooo (that’s not a typo) easy to write about Nigeria! Or haven’t you ever wondered why everybody who writes essays and stuff seems to have an article (or fifty, actually) on Nigeria and her numerous woes and multi-faceted problems (yeah, don’t read that as challenges, they are now full-blown problems...all of them). I mean, there are countless critical compositions (eh, alliteration intended) centrally concerned (haha, I never finish) with this country and the social, economic, political (and all the other ‘al’s) issues by which this con-try (sorry, country) is beset.

The problems are so plentiful that one would wonder if Osama bin Laden or somebody else somewhere has some kind of weapon of mass destruction that inflicts social and political diseases. Well, that is the reason why writing a book on Nigeria and her problems requires no serious research, meditation or even time! You can write on the go (if the bad roads will permit) without getting distracted, because your material is everywhere...so inspiration is ridiculously cheap. I’ve been on the writer’s block a few times, my first step out each time was with a Naija-inspired piece (Reuben Abati can’t beat me for saying ‘Naija’)...writing about Nigeria is easy.

Well, it just got even easier. A lot more, actually. Before, one had to exercise some care and discretion in his selection, (rhyme...all the time...lol) but now all you have to do is pick any derogatory term or even invective, and it will just fit...naturally. Consider it; ‘mad’, ‘sick’, et al...they all just seem befitting. The latest one I heard (read, actually) which got me to write this article, was ‘brain-dead’ (obviously a not-so-masked reference to our um...um...President). That had me chortling, but without mirth...then it sent me thinking. And yes, just like writing, thinking about Naija is easy.

Writing about Nigeria is so easy that even other countries are now writing about us. I bet whoever wrote the communiqué which saw Barrack Obama labelling us a ‘terrorist’ nation did not break a sweat, even though he was writing about a sovereign nation. He knew it would be an apt description (and see, don’t even think of blaming that stupid Farouk boy) so he used it...and of course the Obama guy liked it too, seeing how it fit snugly.

By the way,when we heard, what did we say? We started 'forming vexing' (even when we were aware that the designation was spot-on). Come, what were we expecting? For them to label us a ‘terrific’ nation, or what? US no even try, dem for don put ‘terrible’ before ‘terrorist’...abi shey e no fit us ni? Anyway, when they labelled (trust me, that wasn’t no libel, haha) us a terrorist nation, it was their President who did it, but who did the talking for us? We have no President, (sorry, we have we one, we just don’t know where he is) and every other thing seems to be wrong with us, so why won’t writing be so easy? Psheew!

I’m too tired right now to pick issues with any issue or person, so don’t even bother trying to anticipate the end of this piece or its focus, because there is none...I just did this because it was easy, dig? Hell, I didn’t even have to Google anything this time around, (obviously things are getting worse) so this was even easier than the usual ‘Naija-whine’ piece. Eh, don’t expect things to get better...or any change to come (obviously Sam Cooke wasn’t talking ‘bout us).
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince and not to confuse you that it is extremely, disgustingly easy to write about Naija (yes, Naija)...so easy, we probably should all just stop writing.

P.S: Don't bother telling me anything, I’m pleading ‘altered state’ here o! I just heard about the brain damage matter, (or brain matter damage, whatever) so I decided to convince myself that it was not a national epidemic. I’m not lol-ing...