WRITING ABOUT THIS NAIJA IS SO EASY!!!

Good day Mr. Chairman (that's me), Panel of Judges (who dem be?), accurate time-keeper (this is my blog and my time can never be up here, okay?), my co-debaters (if any) and my esteemed audience. My name is Joba Akinola (really?), representing young Naija writers (whatever that means). I am here to support the motion which is; “Writing about Nigeria is outrageously easy!” I hope that by the time I’m done, you’ll be so convinced that you’ll forget about writing that piece you intended about Nigeria and go for something more intellectually challenging (and not so depressing).

It is soooooooooo (that’s not a typo) easy to write about Nigeria! Or haven’t you ever wondered why everybody who writes essays and stuff seems to have an article (or fifty, actually) on Nigeria and her numerous woes and multi-faceted problems (yeah, don’t read that as challenges, they are now full-blown problems...all of them). I mean, there are countless critical compositions (eh, alliteration intended) centrally concerned (haha, I never finish) with this country and the social, economic, political (and all the other ‘al’s) issues by which this con-try (sorry, country) is beset.

The problems are so plentiful that one would wonder if Osama bin Laden or somebody else somewhere has some kind of weapon of mass destruction that inflicts social and political diseases. Well, that is the reason why writing a book on Nigeria and her problems requires no serious research, meditation or even time! You can write on the go (if the bad roads will permit) without getting distracted, because your material is everywhere...so inspiration is ridiculously cheap. I’ve been on the writer’s block a few times, my first step out each time was with a Naija-inspired piece (Reuben Abati can’t beat me for saying ‘Naija’)...writing about Nigeria is easy.

Well, it just got even easier. A lot more, actually. Before, one had to exercise some care and discretion in his selection, (rhyme...all the time...lol) but now all you have to do is pick any derogatory term or even invective, and it will just fit...naturally. Consider it; ‘mad’, ‘sick’, et al...they all just seem befitting. The latest one I heard (read, actually) which got me to write this article, was ‘brain-dead’ (obviously a not-so-masked reference to our um...um...President). That had me chortling, but without mirth...then it sent me thinking. And yes, just like writing, thinking about Naija is easy.

Writing about Nigeria is so easy that even other countries are now writing about us. I bet whoever wrote the communiqué which saw Barrack Obama labelling us a ‘terrorist’ nation did not break a sweat, even though he was writing about a sovereign nation. He knew it would be an apt description (and see, don’t even think of blaming that stupid Farouk boy) so he used it...and of course the Obama guy liked it too, seeing how it fit snugly.

By the way,when we heard, what did we say? We started 'forming vexing' (even when we were aware that the designation was spot-on). Come, what were we expecting? For them to label us a ‘terrific’ nation, or what? US no even try, dem for don put ‘terrible’ before ‘terrorist’...abi shey e no fit us ni? Anyway, when they labelled (trust me, that wasn’t no libel, haha) us a terrorist nation, it was their President who did it, but who did the talking for us? We have no President, (sorry, we have we one, we just don’t know where he is) and every other thing seems to be wrong with us, so why won’t writing be so easy? Psheew!

I’m too tired right now to pick issues with any issue or person, so don’t even bother trying to anticipate the end of this piece or its focus, because there is none...I just did this because it was easy, dig? Hell, I didn’t even have to Google anything this time around, (obviously things are getting worse) so this was even easier than the usual ‘Naija-whine’ piece. Eh, don’t expect things to get better...or any change to come (obviously Sam Cooke wasn’t talking ‘bout us).
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince and not to confuse you that it is extremely, disgustingly easy to write about Naija (yes, Naija)...so easy, we probably should all just stop writing.

P.S: Don't bother telling me anything, I’m pleading ‘altered state’ here o! I just heard about the brain damage matter, (or brain matter damage, whatever) so I decided to convince myself that it was not a national epidemic. I’m not lol-ing...