Life is filled with lessons. Every day, we are subjected to diverse experiences from which we (at least the more reflective ones among us) pick some pieces of wit, wisdom or even folly. It’s like someone walks ahead of us on the paths we’re destined to toe, littering the way with pieces of insight and knowledge for us to pick. It is the sum total of all that we picked (and did not lose on the way) that is referred to as wisdom or depth or insight-fullness (pun intended).
A few days ago, I was stuck in a notably terrible traffic jam, and it was none of my business. I was going the other way, but I had to go make a U-turn somewhere in front so I had to partake of cake wey no concern me. I no use tape-rule measure am, but it must have been about 80 kilometers long. It was the get-out-of-your-car-and-make-some-friends brand of traffic and the weather was insanely hot, as if the sun was also protesting. Horns were blaring, though I wonder why, ‘cos nobody was going anywhere. Tempers, of course were flaring (like gas in South-South…haha) and you’d have thought it was raining, with the way I was soaked in sweat (no A/C, except I wan push car) and the mirror told me I looked like shit so bad I could have scared shit. Sad. (now, you’re prob'ly thinking; so what?)
Well, it appeared that while we were all busy cursing the 'irresponsible' government (like we always do) over the poor traffic management, some people were not in the least bit unhappy about the jam – the hawkers. They were just busy running all over the place distributing (in exchange for money, of course) recharge cards, drinks and so on. I’m sure they must have been silently thanking God, for this great answer to their prayers a la baby-whale-washed -ashore-at-one-beach-some-years-back. By the way, here’s some business advice, with the way fuel was running out in some cars, I think it might be a wise biz idea to start hawking petrol in traffic prone zones.
End of story.
Actually, not yet.
Not even nearly.
After keeping shut and watching for ten minutes, I saw that the number of hawkers had almost doubled, and they all seemed delighted (in a busy way) that they were making such brisk business. Here’s where it concerns you; when the cause of the hold-up (a trailer that broke down due to an avoidable fault) was solved and the jam was eased, the traders who had been having such a good time suddenly were in the wrong place, and became the unhappy folk, while we erstwhile spitters, sweaters and cursers (abi na cursors? lol) were now in the enviable position of saying “thank God”. Luck don change. Well, since I have stupidly decided to title this piece “Life's Lessons” or something like that, I guess I now have to share the moral of my experience…which is what I'll proceed to do now.
One, as a general rule, luck doesn’t change gradually, it swings. If it changes steadily, it is most likely a decline caused by some fault on someone’s part, not Mother Luck. She moves away from your side so fast you wonder what it was you said.
Two, do you recall one poem I wrote - “On Rue de Reverie”? Permit me to quote a line; “there’s no soup so sweet that it can’t swing sour”. I’ll modify that here, “there’s no soup so sweet that it isn’t still sour”. Run a philosophy check, you’ll find that it’s square. While that hold-up was annoying for me, it was a blessing in disguise for the traders. (Of course, I know I could just as easily have quoted “one man’s meat is another’s poison” but I gotta publicize my poetry now). Even on the same tongue, some buds taste bitter, some sweet, and some sour. Call it the Parable of the Tongue.
Three, whenever you feel bad about something you’ve done and its potential effect on others, cheer up. No matter how bad it is, at least one other person will like your action (or inaction), even if it’s just the devil. Note that this applies vice-versa, so when you’re thinking of that league title FC Barcelona won, don’t forget that Real Madrid fans exist.
Four, now this is fourny (funny), though not necessarily in the sense of being hilarious, but more because it’s twisted. Imagine, for a moment, that I was on my way to do something immoral like, say, screw somebody’s wife who used to be my girlfriend and still thinks I’m an unmatchable tiger in that department, and because of the traffic I couldn’t make it her place before her husband got back home, and she called to tell me not to come and come any longer... (MAD DULLING, UHN?) That would have left me with another reason to be unhappy, but it would have made God happy, and the Devil unhappy. It would have left the woman sexually frustrated (call that blue eggs, blue tubes, blue p***y...or something like that) and her husband happy, though he wouldn’t have known that he had a reason to be happy. If however he had been planning to leave his wife, and was just hoping for her to misbehave, he’d have had a reason to be unhappy, since that would have hindered his plan to marry his secretary, or whoever it was he was screwing. Also, what if I had promised to buy drinks for some young guys in the neighborhood, but decided against it that night because I was annoyed at the traffic that screwed my screw?
Here’s the lesson, your silly act or omission, however simple it looks, will affect a million people directly or otherwise. Some do not even know that it has affected their decisions and emotions in some way or another. Also, depending on who you worship, every action you take is a chance to please God and displease the devil (and vice-versa).
Five, because of the traffic, I could not fornicate with the lady THAT DAY. That doesn’t mean I won’t do so some other day, when her husband is away and there’s no traffic to hinder my arrival at her place. Lesson learnt: some things will just happen, no matter how long you delay them. The effects of your actions might delay some events, such as the man catching me on top of his wife, but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen sometime soon. Especially considering that I’m going there tomorrow (hope there’s no traffic)
Six, I’m rather a sick fellow to have written that story…drawing from just simple traffic that was not even as bad as I painted it to be. Lesson: life is like me, it takes your little indiscretions or whatever else, and makes a baby (literally or figuratively) out of it.
Seven, I believe that life is very much like traffic jam. Some complain, some celebrate, some hiss, some kiss…you know, and so on. But there’s one category of people that always benefit from traffic…
…The Lesson Learners.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
PLATO WEDS PETER: I OBJECT!!!
From time immemorial, man has often made the grievous mistake of intertwining or blending politics with religion. This myopic, and usually self-serving error has always led to uncomely, and at times disastrous consequences for these two aspects of human existence.
It is a long settled fact that man is a political animal, if we all subscribe to argumentum ad Aristotelium. It is also well established that man is a spiritual being...for the people who are dumb enough not to be as 'intellectually discerning' as atheists. Man's endeavours in both areas have always existed, and permit me to assume, will always exist for as long as we keep having sex; i.e. as long as we don't go extinct for failing to 'be fruitful, to multiply the earth, and to replenish it. Back to the music, man's perennial marriage of politics and religion has never really augured well for human communities, be they states, kingdoms empires or whatever else, and the effects are self evident, for those who have been conscious enough to know-tice.
Let's take a trip up memory lane, (yeah, we've been going down ever since) one that is bound to open blind - deliberately or otherwise - eyes to the truth of the dangers of making that ever so toxic potion of politics and spirituality.
In the medieval era, popes were de facto rulers...gods, in fact (maybe because "the kingdoms of this world have become the kingdoms of our Lord and his Christ"...whose representatives they were, dig?) and understandably so, since they practically controlled two principal fields of societal influence...the political and the religious. For instance, take the case of the Alexander VI (Borgia) papacy (which, by the way, was intended to be made into a dynasty) where political subterfuge, moral intrigue and self-aggrandizing authoritarianism were the order of the day.
Also, an examination of pre-colonial political systems in sub-Saharan Africa will show a prevalence of kings who doubled as spiritual fathers, and were practically unquestionable (forget that Alaafin-Oyomesi checks and balances thing; it applied to the Alafin, who wielded only political power, definitely not the Ooni, who had a blend of both, and was not responsible to any person or group). Multiple other instances abound of such situations of absolute power, which often resulted in monumental abuse of power..."absolute power corrupts", anyone?
What was, or are, the factors that made all those political cum religious leadership arrangements so faulty, and which makes such set-ups undesirable in modern politics? The answer is fundamental. Politics, by its very nature and considering its social role, should be handled in a highly rational manner, free from the clouds of sentiments as much as possible...for the greatest good of the community. The basis of religion, on the other hand is Faith. If I were to go by the biblical (Hebrews 11:1) definition of faith; then we're talking about a concept or area of human pursuit whose hallmark is Irrationality (sorry to have to put it in this so-blunt-it's-offensive way, but it's the plain truth). Politics has the good of man (through society...social contract theory, anyone?) at its centre, while religion places an all-knowing, all-seeing unseen deity who is absolutely beyond question or redress at its centre (or top, whichever)...little wonder it is then, that any marriage between the two always ends in disaster. It always affects both greatly; efficiency and sensibility in politics becomes grossly impaired, while the purity and truth of religion is almost irredeemably eroded (Roman Catholic again, locus classicus on the point). Why man finds it so difficult to divorce them is therefore so amazing, or is it just that 'opposites attract' thing?
Thank goodness (would have said 'God', but er...'m not supposed to mix religion with my politics) that most societies in the modern world have had the good sense to separate, officially at least, the 'Church' from the State. In some nations where this is yet to happen, we still see authoritarian rule and somewhat unfettered abuse of power.
Now let me bring this piece home, so you can better appreciate its practical import. In Nigeria, though both are formally separated, the role of religion in politics must not be underestimated. For example, what binds the whole of the northern region (which accounts for about half of Nigeria's land/population mass) together is mainly religion, forget ethnicity. The way it seems to work there generally (exceptions permitted, of course) is that the man whom the religious leaders endorse almost invariably gets the political office. It appears that what we've done is to disguise politics as religion and vice-versa depending on what the occasion demands...thus switching garbs without officially tying them together. In other words, politics is fucking with religion (pardon my French, fornicating with religion). This is a major reason for most of the 'religious' crises in the country such as in Kaduna, and more frequently, Jos. This is why, in the forthcoming general elections in 2011, many people will vote for a candidate of their religious persuasion, or one whom their spiritual leader has endorsed, expressly or impliedly. And even if Mr. Father-in-the-faith tells them to vote for a glaringly wrong candidate (like, say, IBB) they'll do just that, since it must be the will of God. For the life of me, I'm wondering; could it possibly be the will of God to elect a senator or representative who, since 2007 has not moved a single bill or offered a single original opinion on the floor of the House, either due to lack of ideas or for political self-preservation or both? Could it be the divine desire to re-elect a governor who is no better than the as-good-as-dead President, because he hasn't done anything appreciable enough to be called a "dividend of democracy" (that so-clichéd-it's-a-joke phrase, uh?) As if constructing a road or renovating classrooms or patching roads is equal to doing us a favour.
Before I digress too far, let me state my point as clearly as I possibly can (with my sore throat and all, haha). 2011 is almost here, PLEASE (raised to the power of 150million) do not let extraneous considerations such as a candidate's religious inclinations becloud your sense of judgement in deciding whether or not to vote for him/her. Also, let the person's track record and ideologies, as against your pastor or Imam's opinion, speak for him/her. Don't keep creating an enabling environment for the church/mosque/shrine to keep being fucked over by the politicians...because religion is a potent poison, a deadly serum, which, if applied on the tip of that arrow called politics...will take no prisoners.
"Abo oro la'an so fun omoluabi, to ba de inu re, aa di odindin"...Enough said!
It is a long settled fact that man is a political animal, if we all subscribe to argumentum ad Aristotelium. It is also well established that man is a spiritual being...for the people who are dumb enough not to be as 'intellectually discerning' as atheists. Man's endeavours in both areas have always existed, and permit me to assume, will always exist for as long as we keep having sex; i.e. as long as we don't go extinct for failing to 'be fruitful, to multiply the earth, and to replenish it. Back to the music, man's perennial marriage of politics and religion has never really augured well for human communities, be they states, kingdoms empires or whatever else, and the effects are self evident, for those who have been conscious enough to know-tice.
Let's take a trip up memory lane, (yeah, we've been going down ever since) one that is bound to open blind - deliberately or otherwise - eyes to the truth of the dangers of making that ever so toxic potion of politics and spirituality.
In the medieval era, popes were de facto rulers...gods, in fact (maybe because "the kingdoms of this world have become the kingdoms of our Lord and his Christ"...whose representatives they were, dig?) and understandably so, since they practically controlled two principal fields of societal influence...the political and the religious. For instance, take the case of the Alexander VI (Borgia) papacy (which, by the way, was intended to be made into a dynasty) where political subterfuge, moral intrigue and self-aggrandizing authoritarianism were the order of the day.
Also, an examination of pre-colonial political systems in sub-Saharan Africa will show a prevalence of kings who doubled as spiritual fathers, and were practically unquestionable (forget that Alaafin-Oyomesi checks and balances thing; it applied to the Alafin, who wielded only political power, definitely not the Ooni, who had a blend of both, and was not responsible to any person or group). Multiple other instances abound of such situations of absolute power, which often resulted in monumental abuse of power..."absolute power corrupts", anyone?
What was, or are, the factors that made all those political cum religious leadership arrangements so faulty, and which makes such set-ups undesirable in modern politics? The answer is fundamental. Politics, by its very nature and considering its social role, should be handled in a highly rational manner, free from the clouds of sentiments as much as possible...for the greatest good of the community. The basis of religion, on the other hand is Faith. If I were to go by the biblical (Hebrews 11:1) definition of faith; then we're talking about a concept or area of human pursuit whose hallmark is Irrationality (sorry to have to put it in this so-blunt-it's-offensive way, but it's the plain truth). Politics has the good of man (through society...social contract theory, anyone?) at its centre, while religion places an all-knowing, all-seeing unseen deity who is absolutely beyond question or redress at its centre (or top, whichever)...little wonder it is then, that any marriage between the two always ends in disaster. It always affects both greatly; efficiency and sensibility in politics becomes grossly impaired, while the purity and truth of religion is almost irredeemably eroded (Roman Catholic again, locus classicus on the point). Why man finds it so difficult to divorce them is therefore so amazing, or is it just that 'opposites attract' thing?
Thank goodness (would have said 'God', but er...'m not supposed to mix religion with my politics) that most societies in the modern world have had the good sense to separate, officially at least, the 'Church' from the State. In some nations where this is yet to happen, we still see authoritarian rule and somewhat unfettered abuse of power.
Now let me bring this piece home, so you can better appreciate its practical import. In Nigeria, though both are formally separated, the role of religion in politics must not be underestimated. For example, what binds the whole of the northern region (which accounts for about half of Nigeria's land/population mass) together is mainly religion, forget ethnicity. The way it seems to work there generally (exceptions permitted, of course) is that the man whom the religious leaders endorse almost invariably gets the political office. It appears that what we've done is to disguise politics as religion and vice-versa depending on what the occasion demands...thus switching garbs without officially tying them together. In other words, politics is fucking with religion (pardon my French, fornicating with religion). This is a major reason for most of the 'religious' crises in the country such as in Kaduna, and more frequently, Jos. This is why, in the forthcoming general elections in 2011, many people will vote for a candidate of their religious persuasion, or one whom their spiritual leader has endorsed, expressly or impliedly. And even if Mr. Father-in-the-faith tells them to vote for a glaringly wrong candidate (like, say, IBB) they'll do just that, since it must be the will of God. For the life of me, I'm wondering; could it possibly be the will of God to elect a senator or representative who, since 2007 has not moved a single bill or offered a single original opinion on the floor of the House, either due to lack of ideas or for political self-preservation or both? Could it be the divine desire to re-elect a governor who is no better than the as-good-as-dead President, because he hasn't done anything appreciable enough to be called a "dividend of democracy" (that so-clichéd-it's-a-joke phrase, uh?) As if constructing a road or renovating classrooms or patching roads is equal to doing us a favour.
Before I digress too far, let me state my point as clearly as I possibly can (with my sore throat and all, haha). 2011 is almost here, PLEASE (raised to the power of 150million) do not let extraneous considerations such as a candidate's religious inclinations becloud your sense of judgement in deciding whether or not to vote for him/her. Also, let the person's track record and ideologies, as against your pastor or Imam's opinion, speak for him/her. Don't keep creating an enabling environment for the church/mosque/shrine to keep being fucked over by the politicians...because religion is a potent poison, a deadly serum, which, if applied on the tip of that arrow called politics...will take no prisoners.
"Abo oro la'an so fun omoluabi, to ba de inu re, aa di odindin"...Enough said!
Monday, January 25, 2010
“It’s Really None of Your Business”
Yes, that’s exactly what the PDP (Power-Drunk Politicians, as someone called them) leadership has been telling us in many ways over the past few weeks (months, actually) with respect to the matter of our ill-to-the-point-of-death (or dead?) 'President' Umaru Musa Yar’Adua.
They have fed us with all sorts of stories (tales by moonlight, haha), which in the end still comes down to one thing; it is none of our business what happens (or does not happen) at the highest leadership cadre in the country, and we do not exactly have a right to know the whereabouts or whatever-else-there-is-to-know of our President.
They are probably right, at least Chapter 4 of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria of 1999, which provides for inalienable fundamental human rights makes no such provision or stipulation...neither does the CFRN 1999 in any place make mention of any civic duty that creates an obligation to have accurate information on the leaders (the President in particular) of our nation per time, especially as regards their location and state of health.
Looking at the foregoing, and considering that our role in bringing the said man to power was not as central as the Constitution would have had it be, it is reasonable to say that the PDP-led government has even gone beyond the call of duty by feeding us with irritating untruths over the past weeks, and for this we should be thankful, rather than berate them for their alleged irresponsibility (yes, alleged...they’ve done nothing wrong).
It is none of our business, really. I mean, the man is not your father, son or brother so where do you really figure in the whole formation? Those who needed to be kept informed, I’m certain were always fully in the know and have (or owe) no apologies for keeping their knowledge secret. Forget the little matter that the man swore an oath to us (yes, Nigeria and its people) to carry out his duties faithfully and all that boilerplate.
Hey, see me talking about oaths sworn to the ‘good’ people of Nigeria. I mean, the man couldn’t perform his duties any longer, yet the Constitutional provision was not adhered to (as if we ever really follow the book sef). Even that is none of our business, or so PDP thinks. A sovereign nation (who in its infinite vanity loves to be referred to as the “Giant of Africa”) was practically left without a President, in the way it would happen in a sole proprietorship business when the owner is ill. Speaking of business, that is also unfortunately none of our business. That’s why our elected representatives did nothing about the matter, abi? God punish dem!
Now, they say he is dead (or brain-damaged, like there’s any difference). Is that any of my business? Hell, no...! And interestingly, he is said to have passed on (to the not-so-great-beyond of brain damage) on the 10th of December; when we in my church (where we felt it was our business) were still busy praying for him to get well. Maybe it was our ignorance that made our prayers go unanswered...LOL (forgive my black humour).
Of course, none of all that is your business, nothing that happens in leadership in the country is your business. Yes, it is their business (whoever they are), abi dem don call you for AGM to share profits before?
So, here I say; “to your tents oh Nigeria”. Go and face your businesses o, and stop poking your black noses in the private affairs of a family man (especially one who’s ‘late’) in the name of being interested in the whereabouts of your President.
They have fed us with all sorts of stories (tales by moonlight, haha), which in the end still comes down to one thing; it is none of our business what happens (or does not happen) at the highest leadership cadre in the country, and we do not exactly have a right to know the whereabouts or whatever-else-there-is-to-know of our President.
They are probably right, at least Chapter 4 of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria of 1999, which provides for inalienable fundamental human rights makes no such provision or stipulation...neither does the CFRN 1999 in any place make mention of any civic duty that creates an obligation to have accurate information on the leaders (the President in particular) of our nation per time, especially as regards their location and state of health.
Looking at the foregoing, and considering that our role in bringing the said man to power was not as central as the Constitution would have had it be, it is reasonable to say that the PDP-led government has even gone beyond the call of duty by feeding us with irritating untruths over the past weeks, and for this we should be thankful, rather than berate them for their alleged irresponsibility (yes, alleged...they’ve done nothing wrong).
It is none of our business, really. I mean, the man is not your father, son or brother so where do you really figure in the whole formation? Those who needed to be kept informed, I’m certain were always fully in the know and have (or owe) no apologies for keeping their knowledge secret. Forget the little matter that the man swore an oath to us (yes, Nigeria and its people) to carry out his duties faithfully and all that boilerplate.
Hey, see me talking about oaths sworn to the ‘good’ people of Nigeria. I mean, the man couldn’t perform his duties any longer, yet the Constitutional provision was not adhered to (as if we ever really follow the book sef). Even that is none of our business, or so PDP thinks. A sovereign nation (who in its infinite vanity loves to be referred to as the “Giant of Africa”) was practically left without a President, in the way it would happen in a sole proprietorship business when the owner is ill. Speaking of business, that is also unfortunately none of our business. That’s why our elected representatives did nothing about the matter, abi? God punish dem!
Now, they say he is dead (or brain-damaged, like there’s any difference). Is that any of my business? Hell, no...! And interestingly, he is said to have passed on (to the not-so-great-beyond of brain damage) on the 10th of December; when we in my church (where we felt it was our business) were still busy praying for him to get well. Maybe it was our ignorance that made our prayers go unanswered...LOL (forgive my black humour).
Of course, none of all that is your business, nothing that happens in leadership in the country is your business. Yes, it is their business (whoever they are), abi dem don call you for AGM to share profits before?
So, here I say; “to your tents oh Nigeria”. Go and face your businesses o, and stop poking your black noses in the private affairs of a family man (especially one who’s ‘late’) in the name of being interested in the whereabouts of your President.
Monday, January 11, 2010
WRITING ABOUT THIS NAIJA IS SO EASY!!!
Good day Mr. Chairman (that's me), Panel of Judges (who dem be?), accurate time-keeper (this is my blog and my time can never be up here, okay?), my co-debaters (if any) and my esteemed audience. My name is Joba Akinola (really?), representing young Naija writers (whatever that means). I am here to support the motion which is; “Writing about Nigeria is outrageously easy!” I hope that by the time I’m done, you’ll be so convinced that you’ll forget about writing that piece you intended about Nigeria and go for something more intellectually challenging (and not so depressing).
It is soooooooooo (that’s not a typo) easy to write about Nigeria! Or haven’t you ever wondered why everybody who writes essays and stuff seems to have an article (or fifty, actually) on Nigeria and her numerous woes and multi-faceted problems (yeah, don’t read that as challenges, they are now full-blown problems...all of them). I mean, there are countless critical compositions (eh, alliteration intended) centrally concerned (haha, I never finish) with this country and the social, economic, political (and all the other ‘al’s) issues by which this con-try (sorry, country) is beset.
The problems are so plentiful that one would wonder if Osama bin Laden or somebody else somewhere has some kind of weapon of mass destruction that inflicts social and political diseases. Well, that is the reason why writing a book on Nigeria and her problems requires no serious research, meditation or even time! You can write on the go (if the bad roads will permit) without getting distracted, because your material is everywhere...so inspiration is ridiculously cheap. I’ve been on the writer’s block a few times, my first step out each time was with a Naija-inspired piece (Reuben Abati can’t beat me for saying ‘Naija’)...writing about Nigeria is easy.
Well, it just got even easier. A lot more, actually. Before, one had to exercise some care and discretion in his selection, (rhyme...all the time...lol) but now all you have to do is pick any derogatory term or even invective, and it will just fit...naturally. Consider it; ‘mad’, ‘sick’, et al...they all just seem befitting. The latest one I heard (read, actually) which got me to write this article, was ‘brain-dead’ (obviously a not-so-masked reference to our um...um...President). That had me chortling, but without mirth...then it sent me thinking. And yes, just like writing, thinking about Naija is easy.
Writing about Nigeria is so easy that even other countries are now writing about us. I bet whoever wrote the communiqué which saw Barrack Obama labelling us a ‘terrorist’ nation did not break a sweat, even though he was writing about a sovereign nation. He knew it would be an apt description (and see, don’t even think of blaming that stupid Farouk boy) so he used it...and of course the Obama guy liked it too, seeing how it fit snugly.
By the way,when we heard, what did we say? We started 'forming vexing' (even when we were aware that the designation was spot-on). Come, what were we expecting? For them to label us a ‘terrific’ nation, or what? US no even try, dem for don put ‘terrible’ before ‘terrorist’...abi shey e no fit us ni? Anyway, when they labelled (trust me, that wasn’t no libel, haha) us a terrorist nation, it was their President who did it, but who did the talking for us? We have no President, (sorry, we have we one, we just don’t know where he is) and every other thing seems to be wrong with us, so why won’t writing be so easy? Psheew!
I’m too tired right now to pick issues with any issue or person, so don’t even bother trying to anticipate the end of this piece or its focus, because there is none...I just did this because it was easy, dig? Hell, I didn’t even have to Google anything this time around, (obviously things are getting worse) so this was even easier than the usual ‘Naija-whine’ piece. Eh, don’t expect things to get better...or any change to come (obviously Sam Cooke wasn’t talking ‘bout us).
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince and not to confuse you that it is extremely, disgustingly easy to write about Naija (yes, Naija)...so easy, we probably should all just stop writing.
P.S: Don't bother telling me anything, I’m pleading ‘altered state’ here o! I just heard about the brain damage matter, (or brain matter damage, whatever) so I decided to convince myself that it was not a national epidemic. I’m not lol-ing...
It is soooooooooo (that’s not a typo) easy to write about Nigeria! Or haven’t you ever wondered why everybody who writes essays and stuff seems to have an article (or fifty, actually) on Nigeria and her numerous woes and multi-faceted problems (yeah, don’t read that as challenges, they are now full-blown problems...all of them). I mean, there are countless critical compositions (eh, alliteration intended) centrally concerned (haha, I never finish) with this country and the social, economic, political (and all the other ‘al’s) issues by which this con-try (sorry, country) is beset.
The problems are so plentiful that one would wonder if Osama bin Laden or somebody else somewhere has some kind of weapon of mass destruction that inflicts social and political diseases. Well, that is the reason why writing a book on Nigeria and her problems requires no serious research, meditation or even time! You can write on the go (if the bad roads will permit) without getting distracted, because your material is everywhere...so inspiration is ridiculously cheap. I’ve been on the writer’s block a few times, my first step out each time was with a Naija-inspired piece (Reuben Abati can’t beat me for saying ‘Naija’)...writing about Nigeria is easy.
Well, it just got even easier. A lot more, actually. Before, one had to exercise some care and discretion in his selection, (rhyme...all the time...lol) but now all you have to do is pick any derogatory term or even invective, and it will just fit...naturally. Consider it; ‘mad’, ‘sick’, et al...they all just seem befitting. The latest one I heard (read, actually) which got me to write this article, was ‘brain-dead’ (obviously a not-so-masked reference to our um...um...President). That had me chortling, but without mirth...then it sent me thinking. And yes, just like writing, thinking about Naija is easy.
Writing about Nigeria is so easy that even other countries are now writing about us. I bet whoever wrote the communiqué which saw Barrack Obama labelling us a ‘terrorist’ nation did not break a sweat, even though he was writing about a sovereign nation. He knew it would be an apt description (and see, don’t even think of blaming that stupid Farouk boy) so he used it...and of course the Obama guy liked it too, seeing how it fit snugly.
By the way,when we heard, what did we say? We started 'forming vexing' (even when we were aware that the designation was spot-on). Come, what were we expecting? For them to label us a ‘terrific’ nation, or what? US no even try, dem for don put ‘terrible’ before ‘terrorist’...abi shey e no fit us ni? Anyway, when they labelled (trust me, that wasn’t no libel, haha) us a terrorist nation, it was their President who did it, but who did the talking for us? We have no President, (sorry, we have we one, we just don’t know where he is) and every other thing seems to be wrong with us, so why won’t writing be so easy? Psheew!
I’m too tired right now to pick issues with any issue or person, so don’t even bother trying to anticipate the end of this piece or its focus, because there is none...I just did this because it was easy, dig? Hell, I didn’t even have to Google anything this time around, (obviously things are getting worse) so this was even easier than the usual ‘Naija-whine’ piece. Eh, don’t expect things to get better...or any change to come (obviously Sam Cooke wasn’t talking ‘bout us).
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince and not to confuse you that it is extremely, disgustingly easy to write about Naija (yes, Naija)...so easy, we probably should all just stop writing.
P.S: Don't bother telling me anything, I’m pleading ‘altered state’ here o! I just heard about the brain damage matter, (or brain matter damage, whatever) so I decided to convince myself that it was not a national epidemic. I’m not lol-ing...
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