BIKE-SHAG

“… when I got home, my Mum asked why the back of my jeans was wet…”

Commercial motorcycle riders, commonly referred to as okada have over the years, become a regular sight on Nigerian roads. They are considered to be a fast means of transport within suburbs and cities in the country, especially as a means of beating the heavy traffic-jams that characterize most major (and not-so-major towns and cities). If you belong to my current class of youths without cars (emphasis on ‘current’), then you have probably noticed a rather silly trend among okada riders. Instead of the normal practice of taking only one passenger, they nowadays prefer to take two or more passengers (who usually are stranger to each other) just like taxi-cabs do, so as to double their gains on each trip. It is therefore not too unusual to see a man in a white garment with matching bare feet and a woman-in-purdah - known in local parlance as eleha (or ninja, haha) - or a working class man in a suit with a mechanic on a bike. Talk about religious tolerance, unity and social equality/integration (forced, however).
I was somewhere recently, with some friends from my fellowship in school whom I haven’t seen in quite a while (about three months). We were gisting about our experiences during the on-going ASUU strike, and the discussion somehow shifted to bike-riders and their antics. The discussion was even beginning to get boring when one of us, named Segun*, told us a rather amusing (and quite irritating) story. He said his girlfriend told him (now I’m not giving you a long chain of reported speech) what happened to her on a bike recently. She (her name is Lola*) was going somewhere, and like most people who want to beat the notorious traffic, she took a bike. Somewhere along the way, they picked up a man who was going somewhere along the same route, though the distance was shorter. At first, the lady wanted to object to the dual-carriage (abi wetin I for call am?), but they (rider and male passenger) appealed to her, that it would not last too long. She grudgingly agreed, especially considering that there were no other bikes around…notwithstanding that she would have to play the piece of meat in the sandwich (abi na chicken burger?)
Now this is where it gets interesting. As they proceeded, the lady (who is rather curvaceous and ‘well-endowed) began to feel something prodding her posterior (in other words, chucking her booty), but she ignored it, as she felt she could endure the penile onslaught till the man disembarked. She did not want to complain so as not to create a scene, which she felt would be more embarrassing to her than to the male passenger behind her who was thoroughly enjoying himself (not to mention the rider who must have been having great fun with the soft cushion behind him). Soon enough, it was time for the male passenger to alight, which he did awkwardly but the lady paid no heed to that. She was only relieved that at least, the siege was over.
Now when my friend’s girlfriend got home, she greeted her mum and was walking to her room when her mom called her back and said, “Lola, se o joko le omi ni?” (Mummy, na on top ‘nail’ ur pikin siddon!) She was surprised at that comment and touched her behind to check the wet spot her mother was referring to, and (yes, just what you were thinking) felt a sticky wetness on her jeans. Shit! Can you believe that? Mr. Male Passenger had already e-spunk-ulated on Ms. Lola’s jeans. I cannot (even with my rather fertile imagination) picture how he managed to pull off such a feat. Dammit, perverts get levels o! My friend (Lola’s boyfriend) who told me this said; “were ni bobo yen o, o kan lo omo yen lori okada ni sha…o ga o”. Man, we all burst out laughing when he was through with the story, but we quickly consoled him by saying that at least it was not her fault.
Now some questions arise; why in the first place should an okada rider carry two passengers? Are there no traffic laws against that sort of thing? On the same roads that are littered by all sorts of “law enforcement agencies”. I am saying this because I think that it is the lack of proper regulation of okada operators (forget that helmet thing, jare) that created the right circumstances for what happened to Lola. That aside, it is the pinnacle of perversion for a man to just ‘through-clothes-shag’ a lady on a bike. I’m a bit confused here because I don’t even know who to blame; the bike-man, the government, the male passenger or the lady herself.
Well, this is what I think; they all share the blame for that disgusting scenario (this story only). For starters, bikes are not cabs, and should not be treated as such. It is therefore unacceptable for two people (and strangers. at that) to be transported on a bike at once. It is not only unsafe; it is also indecent especially in cases where both passengers are of different sexes. Also, I’m of the opinion that commuters should not allow themselves to be carried with somebody else on a bike. In the story above, if the girl had firmly stood her ground (irrespective of whether her options were limited or not); the male passenger would have had to wait for another bike, and she would not have been ‘used’ like that. Also, men who are in the habit of ‘bike-shagging’ should desist from such sick behavior…that is a really crazy innovation in masturbation. Lastly, the local government authorities should, in addition to the helmet issue, devise means to stem the double-biking (actually triple) situation in its tide.
This might just seem like a product of total boredom to you (which it partly is, anyway), but I just heard the story and decided that I just had to do a piece on it. Before I take my hands of this keyboard, I want to leave us with some food for thought; if the daughter of an important government official had been the one who experienced the ‘bike-wank-shag’, wouldn’t they have started enforcing the law on this matter? That won’t happen though, because they live in such opulence that even their maids do not have to take okada. On the other hand, if not for the bad economic situation (by this I’m not speaking of the global recession), would okada riders be so desperate as to resort to such silly moves to maximize profits? At least “man must wack” , “pikin must go school” and so on. When you consider that they also pay ACOMORAN (the okada riders’ union), buy fuel (we all know how expensive that has become) and ‘settle’ policemen, all out of their meager income, then you’ll see things in perspective. I’m not just blaming the Government because that’s what everybody does, but because the problems emanated from them through their nonchalance about such matters.
P.S: If you have a problem with my views, or you have a suggestion; post a comment!

** not real names.