2009 is almost dead.
2010 is about to be read.
2009 is all but fully said
2010 is about to get heard...
NOTE: This (not the quatrain above, of course) is rather lengthy, I know. You really don’t have to read everything...because I wrote this primarily for me...and the me in you!
This year was not a particularly lovely year (most especially cheddar-ly). Everybody seemed not to really be in love with the damn year, and I know a few people who cannot wait for it to just end (guess they think it’s jinxed or something). Well, it’s going to end anyway (I don’t think Jesus is coming before the 31st)...and I’m looking forward with expectation (not faint hope) to the new year because I’ve created it and seen the preview before now, (you don’t want to know all that...it’s not really your business anyway) so for me it is just a waiting, no, preparing game. I’m not here to talk about ’10, that can wait for a few days; I’m still tying up the loose ends of the passing year...and this one must be taken care of NOW.
My immediate business is the traditional stock-taking that accompanies the twilight of each year and yes, I’m posting on Facebook (at least the aspects I think you might care for). Though I’m not a very emotional person (yeah, like most males claim), I might end up sniffling if I begin to reflect on the past year...but eh, who says I must not? At least I’m alone, and it’s 1:56 am. So let’s go...lights...mirror...REFLECTION!!! (or should I say “SPEECH”!!!)
The passing year has been a period in which I have experienced remarkable growth in diverse spheres of my life. I had ups and borehole-low downs. I had my fair share of the sad and the glad. I had good and I had the too bad-not-to-be-a-movie experiences. Point is, left or right, tight or shight, (lemme coin that, abeg) what I experienced most this year was just that – experiences...and eh, isn’t that what adult growth is about?
Spiritually, I have matured tremendously, and I thank God for that (don’t raise your eyebrows, I know what I mean). My life is set on a straight course towards destiny, which I couldn’t really have said about myself before this departing year. I have acquired (and I’m nurturing) some relationships...and that’s a key aspect of anybody’s life, except you’re as alive as the year 2009. Financially, weeeeeeeeeeell...you can still do something about that, my acc. no. is... (inbox me if you really want it). Need I say more?
I’m not following any laid-down format, but I must appreciate God (I do that everyday) for His mercies over the past months. This dude had a couple of close shaves and too many to mention “if not for...” situations. I know (epignosis, not even pistis) that my steps were divinely ordered even when I not so wisely miswaka-ed on some funny trips...He didn’t let me trip, let alone fall. Awesome God, na you o!
Here I just want to acknowledge with great gratitude and profound respect, the people who have made themselves special to me in the dying year, and who in doing so made an otherwise ordinary year a memorable one for me. They have made me laugh, think, think some more and cry a little...and even if the crying didn’t do me any good, well...it flushed my eyes!
I’m still pondering whether to name names or not...maybe I should not (truth is, in the draft, I named people, and ended up using two pages just for that). If you belong to that category, you know yourself (yes, you belong!). My folks, you are the best family in the whole world, at least the most suitable for me! My guys, I love y’all die! But eh “let’s get one thing STRAIGHT, I’ll never...” (Ofla, finish that for me...lol). Those who read and appreciate my writes on Facebook and elsewhere, I really hold you guys close to my heart...you guys are the ink to my pen. The applause always rings in my heart, and yeah, it’s a rather beautiful melody to me. Your gifts won’t ever go unnoticed in Jesus’ name. Amen (even if you no wan talk am, I don talk am for you).
Also, please forgive me if I’ve not been a good dude in your book this year...I’ll try better next year. All my shortcomings in ’09 are being considered and will be dealt with accordingly (such an official, customer care-ish tone, uh?). Those wey I no call as I suppose, wey I no s’aye for as I for like, wey I no give birthday gifts this year, just wait and see, ’09 is gonna be a cash splash...I believe (pistis now, please).
So now it is 3:02 am and yes, I’ve finished all that, at least the part that concerns you...directly or otherwise. I’m forgetting the ’09 behind and with ’10 in focus; I press toward the mark...yea! ’10 smells good, and I can’t wait to have a taste of her. You nko? And eh, please don’t ask me if I have a New Year resolution, I stopped those four years ago.
P.S: I was single all through this ’09 (officially)...someone should please tell that girl (she knows herself) to turn on the green lights so I can change my relationship status!!!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
SO F$#K WHAT?
So now the strike has been called off, or at least they plan to. So? What if? They are now making it look as if they love us so much that, out of the goodness of their large hearts; they've decided to put an end to our collective misery. Like I give a damn.
I'm usually not a ranter, but I'm so stressed out today, and they are the only ones in my line of fire...so I'll take a shot, better still a barrage at the lost, blind people who claim to be our leaders in this near failed state called Nigeria. Yes, I said so, and if you don't like that line, go stuff your oral orifice with faeces-laced tissue paper (enough to make you choke), because I'm going to keep firing at these people as vigorously as my weak fingers can manage.
Now that ASUU has suspended (they may resume later, hopefully I'll be done by then) the industrial action on which it embarked over three months ago, what do they expect us to do? Flood the streets with drums and singing to appreciate the Government (whatever that means) for being benevolent and merciful to our plight. Or to craft beautiful poetry to eulogize their lofty intervention. Permit me to say this, but really...FUCK 'EM ALL!!!
It will probably be splashed all over the dailies by Tuesday that the "Great Nigerian Students" are returning to their schools. The big question here is, what exactly are we going back to? The same dilapidated classrooms, and anything-but-conducive school environment? Back to the arms of our insecure host communities, probably to meet our long-left rooms already burgled? See, it might seem like good news to you that our holidays are over and schools are resuming, but honestly I don't give a shit, for there is nothing to celebrate in the whole spectacle.
In the paper today, I saw the most irresponsible man in the world; the Minister of Education (who also doubles as my nominee for worst minister ever) sitting beside Comrade Adams Oshiomole (who by the way, is just out to score a few brownie points), with a we-have-worked-so-hard-achieve-this look on his silly face, everybody just trying to look like the messiah of the students. I felt like spitting at the picture. That's my own personal dispreference anyway, and you don't have to share it.
Now you're probably wondering; "what is this dude saying?" Here is my grouse, why did we have to go on a strike that yielded no benefits, either for the lecturers or the students, or even for the sector itself? Mad, isn't it? That's what we've become in this nation...MAD! So we just threw away three months of the lives of some old supposed-to-be-married students for nothing? Nothing at all gained, except of course that I made a few bucks and got busy on some things I otherwise wouldn't have been on. On a national scale therefore, this strike cannot be said to have accomplished anything substantial, and we are all happy that it's been called off.
I expect a repeat (maybe longer) performance of this is a year or two. PSEEEW!
I'm usually not a ranter, but I'm so stressed out today, and they are the only ones in my line of fire...so I'll take a shot, better still a barrage at the lost, blind people who claim to be our leaders in this near failed state called Nigeria. Yes, I said so, and if you don't like that line, go stuff your oral orifice with faeces-laced tissue paper (enough to make you choke), because I'm going to keep firing at these people as vigorously as my weak fingers can manage.
Now that ASUU has suspended (they may resume later, hopefully I'll be done by then) the industrial action on which it embarked over three months ago, what do they expect us to do? Flood the streets with drums and singing to appreciate the Government (whatever that means) for being benevolent and merciful to our plight. Or to craft beautiful poetry to eulogize their lofty intervention. Permit me to say this, but really...FUCK 'EM ALL!!!
It will probably be splashed all over the dailies by Tuesday that the "Great Nigerian Students" are returning to their schools. The big question here is, what exactly are we going back to? The same dilapidated classrooms, and anything-but-conducive school environment? Back to the arms of our insecure host communities, probably to meet our long-left rooms already burgled? See, it might seem like good news to you that our holidays are over and schools are resuming, but honestly I don't give a shit, for there is nothing to celebrate in the whole spectacle.
In the paper today, I saw the most irresponsible man in the world; the Minister of Education (who also doubles as my nominee for worst minister ever) sitting beside Comrade Adams Oshiomole (who by the way, is just out to score a few brownie points), with a we-have-worked-so-hard-achieve-this look on his silly face, everybody just trying to look like the messiah of the students. I felt like spitting at the picture. That's my own personal dispreference anyway, and you don't have to share it.
Now you're probably wondering; "what is this dude saying?" Here is my grouse, why did we have to go on a strike that yielded no benefits, either for the lecturers or the students, or even for the sector itself? Mad, isn't it? That's what we've become in this nation...MAD! So we just threw away three months of the lives of some old supposed-to-be-married students for nothing? Nothing at all gained, except of course that I made a few bucks and got busy on some things I otherwise wouldn't have been on. On a national scale therefore, this strike cannot be said to have accomplished anything substantial, and we are all happy that it's been called off.
I expect a repeat (maybe longer) performance of this is a year or two. PSEEEW!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
MY FAVORITE GOVERNOR
WARNING: This piece may be considered rather long and therefore boring, and reader discretion is advised for people who do not fancy lengthy newspaper editorials, the politically apathetic, and those who are privileged to have their abode in the beautiful Lagos State.
The following classes of people may find this article extremely offensive.
i. The Governor of Ogun State and his family members
ii. Political office holders who are his cronies
iii. Unrealistic individuals who love this man
iv. Lovers of bad governance all over the world.
Nobody in my family can exactly be referred to as an avid political observer or a passionate socio-political commentator, (including my Dad and I) but there is one political topic that always get's everybody in my house interested, the mention of which sees everybody contributing humorously, and at times, vigorously and bitterly. It is the matter of our 'amiable governor', the governor of Ogun State, Otunba Gbenga Daniel who is currently serving his second term.I stay in Ota, so if you are even slightly familiar with on-goings in that town, and the general feelings of inhabitants towards the man, you should already understand that the heading of this piece is ultra-ironic (even the blind can see).
It is practically impossible to drive anywhere in Ogun State without making mention of OGD's (as he calls himself) name, for two reasons. Firstly, the roads are in such a horrible state of disrepair that even the most apathetic citizen will instantly be transformed into a socio-political activist by just taking a ride through say, Ilo-Awela Road. Damn (forgive my language) that road is terribly terrible. Many dead okada riders will serve as testimony (though not as witnesses, unfortunately) to that fact, as that road drove some trailer-drivers to shove them into their untimely graves. Now don't get me wrong, this man actually does construct roads through his pet agency – OGROMA (Otunba Gbenga Rolling Money Away, according to Mr. Ogunsakin), but the problem is that the roads are so substandard that a week or two after construction, they start getting bad, and a few months after, there is almost no sign that the road was ever tarred.
The second reason is that the state is painted all over in OGD (whatever color that is). Everywhere you go (apologies to MTN) there's always a billboard with the man's ever-smiling (I wonder what's so funny) face, his popular slogan "... a secured future", and some silly self-praising punchlines that would make Jay-Z envious. The guy is so good at those things, he should have been a rapper (oh, sorry I forgot...he doesn't do those things himself; they're always erected by some faceless movement, or a local government). I'm just going to tell you some stories about this (satanically) enigmatic man which you might find interesting (though I don't find them funny at all).
'Sometimes' (haha, very funny) in August, I went to Agbara Estate with my 'bros' who is a lawyer, who also doesn't like OGD that much (he detests him, actually). On our way, we saw a billboard, at Lusada market with the line “Ride on OGD, we’ve never had it so good”. The most interesting thing about this billboard was that it was located right in front of a ditch-deep pothole. We laughed about this for some time, as we proceeded on our journey. The journey was without event till we got somewhere, where we saw another billboard with the powerful hook; “OGD news, good news”. This elicited no comment from anybody, just sneers, which was what that deserved, anyway. There are a lot of these billboards all over Abeokuta, but I will say nothing since the place is relatively good (road-wise at least). There are also myriads of them in Ijebu-North Local Government Area, but that’s easy to understand, considering that the man is from there.
Speaking of LGA’s let’s get back to base, my own LGA – Ado-Odo Ota Local Government Area. Right in front of the secretariat is a billboard that reads “CYT like OGD” (i.e. the Local Govt. Chairman…the Governor). The stretch of road off which this secretariat is situate, lying and being along is a pothole mat; it is practically impossible (except you’re a fayawo) to exceed 20kmp/h on that road. I’m not exaggerating. The secretariat has a big broken portion on its fence, which has remained that way for many months and Mr. CYT (who is like OGD) has not even though it fit to fix it. Isn’t that crazily irresponsible?
At Ilisan-Remo roundabout is another pro-OGD billboard with a picture of his cap (can you beat that?) with a tagline “the symbol…he must be encouraged…he must be appreciated…” The road at this point is good but shortly after the billboard, the tar disappears and gives way to a dusty, bumpy, gravelly road. He must be appreciated indeed. Yeye.
Now the one that takes the cake is the OGD – Yar’ Adua collabo, located at that Abeokuta-Papalanto-Sagamu roundabout. It is so goddamn hilarious. I saw it when I was going to pick my sister, Moji from school a few weeks ago. I couldn’t stop talking about it until I got to Ikenne. The punchline here was merely a merger of their trademark slogans, but I found it thoroughly amusing because it struck me as a disgraceful testament, a documented monument to governmental failure at both national and state levels. Super-shameful. It read; “Partnership That Works: 7 point Agenda for a Secured Future”. Imagine that (Jay-Z and R. Kelly on the flow…best of both tiers).
One day at the State High Court, Ota, which by the way is the most dilapidated and unkempt courthouse I’ve seen anywhere (not that I’ve seen too many), I was discussing with some fellow law students who were also at home under the ignominious auspices of this ungodly industrial action (ASUU strike). I was singing OGD’s praises (like I always do) when somebody made a remark about the man having a part-time job as a Chief Priest of a secret cult (no be me talk am o!). The guy said that it was that job that was hindering our esteemed Governor from discharging his gubernatorial duties with all propriety and diligence. I remember that someone noted (that must have been me) that there is nothing in the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria that prohibits a Chief Priest from becoming a Governor, or vice-versa; so our man is still in order. No story.
I heard (actually saw a newspaper headline) that OGD accused the Lagos State Government of fuelling the crisis in Ogun State (by setting high standards, I think). To imagine that he could have said that, when this Governor of ours is said to live in Lagos! If that is true, then his coke addiction must be taking its toll on him; his mind seems to be taking a rather bad turn. Please believers, pray for him…as for me, my faith is weak.
This man must be given a lot of credit for some things, though. For one, he has revolutionized the face of politics in Ogun State; every politician there seems to have a three letter moniker. He also brought about (popularized, actually) the billboard propaganda scheme. It is not uncommon therefore, to see billboards with names such as IOB, CYT, (and XYZ, PIG, DOG, haha). The rest of the acts of King OGD, the female House of Assembly ex-speaker whom he had (or is still having) an amorous affair with, and the members of the House whom he took to a shrine to swear an oath, fully naked, are they not written in the chronicles of the Governors of Ogun State (you may have to be a Bible student to catch my drift here). And eh, since the dude wants to be a rapper, let me give him a tip; he could just re-arrange the letters of his nickname to form GOD, since that’s who he obviously thinks he is (but he should just make sure Rakim doesn’t get him o).
On a parting note, if anybody would be so kind as to get this across to the man (without my name, of course), please this quote I just coined might be good;
“It is shameful enough to be bad, but worse to be shameless”.
P.S. Let me just tell another tale from this state, since I just wrote about its Governor. About five days ago, my Dad and I were on our way to church, when some TRACE (OGD’s version of LASTMA) pulled us over, and some funny- looking guy with extremely yellow teeth and a commensurate awful breath stuck his head through the window to ask why we didn’t have an “EMISSION CONTROL” sticker on our car. All through my stay in this state (that has spanned over 16 years) I had never heard of anything like that…and neither had my Dad. Trust my Dad, he almost went ballistic over what he considered to be a cheap government-backed extortion scheme, and which I considered (and still do) to be nothing but a scam (you needed to have seen the tout). Anyway he told us that they’d have to test our car and if we passed, we’d go and pay a sum of N1,250 at one green container in one funny place (like say space no dey secretariat). Dull scam, ko gbodo je mi. As he (tout) was still speaking, one chain smoker of a pick-up truck passed by us and it wasn’t stopped. My Dad asked why, and Mr. Tout was left speechless, then when he spoke, he said we could leave, that he just wanted to inform us. Psheew! This whole affair occurred beside a road-side buka (you can imagine all that smoke) on a bad road, and those ones were not cautioned either. Anyway, that’s Ogun State for you.
Rather long, uh? I warned you!
The following classes of people may find this article extremely offensive.
i. The Governor of Ogun State and his family members
ii. Political office holders who are his cronies
iii. Unrealistic individuals who love this man
iv. Lovers of bad governance all over the world.
Nobody in my family can exactly be referred to as an avid political observer or a passionate socio-political commentator, (including my Dad and I) but there is one political topic that always get's everybody in my house interested, the mention of which sees everybody contributing humorously, and at times, vigorously and bitterly. It is the matter of our 'amiable governor', the governor of Ogun State, Otunba Gbenga Daniel who is currently serving his second term.I stay in Ota, so if you are even slightly familiar with on-goings in that town, and the general feelings of inhabitants towards the man, you should already understand that the heading of this piece is ultra-ironic (even the blind can see).
It is practically impossible to drive anywhere in Ogun State without making mention of OGD's (as he calls himself) name, for two reasons. Firstly, the roads are in such a horrible state of disrepair that even the most apathetic citizen will instantly be transformed into a socio-political activist by just taking a ride through say, Ilo-Awela Road. Damn (forgive my language) that road is terribly terrible. Many dead okada riders will serve as testimony (though not as witnesses, unfortunately) to that fact, as that road drove some trailer-drivers to shove them into their untimely graves. Now don't get me wrong, this man actually does construct roads through his pet agency – OGROMA (Otunba Gbenga Rolling Money Away, according to Mr. Ogunsakin), but the problem is that the roads are so substandard that a week or two after construction, they start getting bad, and a few months after, there is almost no sign that the road was ever tarred.
The second reason is that the state is painted all over in OGD (whatever color that is). Everywhere you go (apologies to MTN) there's always a billboard with the man's ever-smiling (I wonder what's so funny) face, his popular slogan "... a secured future", and some silly self-praising punchlines that would make Jay-Z envious. The guy is so good at those things, he should have been a rapper (oh, sorry I forgot...he doesn't do those things himself; they're always erected by some faceless movement, or a local government). I'm just going to tell you some stories about this (satanically) enigmatic man which you might find interesting (though I don't find them funny at all).
'Sometimes' (haha, very funny) in August, I went to Agbara Estate with my 'bros' who is a lawyer, who also doesn't like OGD that much (he detests him, actually). On our way, we saw a billboard, at Lusada market with the line “Ride on OGD, we’ve never had it so good”. The most interesting thing about this billboard was that it was located right in front of a ditch-deep pothole. We laughed about this for some time, as we proceeded on our journey. The journey was without event till we got somewhere, where we saw another billboard with the powerful hook; “OGD news, good news”. This elicited no comment from anybody, just sneers, which was what that deserved, anyway. There are a lot of these billboards all over Abeokuta, but I will say nothing since the place is relatively good (road-wise at least). There are also myriads of them in Ijebu-North Local Government Area, but that’s easy to understand, considering that the man is from there.
Speaking of LGA’s let’s get back to base, my own LGA – Ado-Odo Ota Local Government Area. Right in front of the secretariat is a billboard that reads “CYT like OGD” (i.e. the Local Govt. Chairman…the Governor). The stretch of road off which this secretariat is situate, lying and being along is a pothole mat; it is practically impossible (except you’re a fayawo) to exceed 20kmp/h on that road. I’m not exaggerating. The secretariat has a big broken portion on its fence, which has remained that way for many months and Mr. CYT (who is like OGD) has not even though it fit to fix it. Isn’t that crazily irresponsible?
At Ilisan-Remo roundabout is another pro-OGD billboard with a picture of his cap (can you beat that?) with a tagline “the symbol…he must be encouraged…he must be appreciated…” The road at this point is good but shortly after the billboard, the tar disappears and gives way to a dusty, bumpy, gravelly road. He must be appreciated indeed. Yeye.
Now the one that takes the cake is the OGD – Yar’ Adua collabo, located at that Abeokuta-Papalanto-Sagamu roundabout. It is so goddamn hilarious. I saw it when I was going to pick my sister, Moji from school a few weeks ago. I couldn’t stop talking about it until I got to Ikenne. The punchline here was merely a merger of their trademark slogans, but I found it thoroughly amusing because it struck me as a disgraceful testament, a documented monument to governmental failure at both national and state levels. Super-shameful. It read; “Partnership That Works: 7 point Agenda for a Secured Future”. Imagine that (Jay-Z and R. Kelly on the flow…best of both tiers).
One day at the State High Court, Ota, which by the way is the most dilapidated and unkempt courthouse I’ve seen anywhere (not that I’ve seen too many), I was discussing with some fellow law students who were also at home under the ignominious auspices of this ungodly industrial action (ASUU strike). I was singing OGD’s praises (like I always do) when somebody made a remark about the man having a part-time job as a Chief Priest of a secret cult (no be me talk am o!). The guy said that it was that job that was hindering our esteemed Governor from discharging his gubernatorial duties with all propriety and diligence. I remember that someone noted (that must have been me) that there is nothing in the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria that prohibits a Chief Priest from becoming a Governor, or vice-versa; so our man is still in order. No story.
I heard (actually saw a newspaper headline) that OGD accused the Lagos State Government of fuelling the crisis in Ogun State (by setting high standards, I think). To imagine that he could have said that, when this Governor of ours is said to live in Lagos! If that is true, then his coke addiction must be taking its toll on him; his mind seems to be taking a rather bad turn. Please believers, pray for him…as for me, my faith is weak.
This man must be given a lot of credit for some things, though. For one, he has revolutionized the face of politics in Ogun State; every politician there seems to have a three letter moniker. He also brought about (popularized, actually) the billboard propaganda scheme. It is not uncommon therefore, to see billboards with names such as IOB, CYT, (and XYZ, PIG, DOG, haha). The rest of the acts of King OGD, the female House of Assembly ex-speaker whom he had (or is still having) an amorous affair with, and the members of the House whom he took to a shrine to swear an oath, fully naked, are they not written in the chronicles of the Governors of Ogun State (you may have to be a Bible student to catch my drift here). And eh, since the dude wants to be a rapper, let me give him a tip; he could just re-arrange the letters of his nickname to form GOD, since that’s who he obviously thinks he is (but he should just make sure Rakim doesn’t get him o).
On a parting note, if anybody would be so kind as to get this across to the man (without my name, of course), please this quote I just coined might be good;
“It is shameful enough to be bad, but worse to be shameless”.
P.S. Let me just tell another tale from this state, since I just wrote about its Governor. About five days ago, my Dad and I were on our way to church, when some TRACE (OGD’s version of LASTMA) pulled us over, and some funny- looking guy with extremely yellow teeth and a commensurate awful breath stuck his head through the window to ask why we didn’t have an “EMISSION CONTROL” sticker on our car. All through my stay in this state (that has spanned over 16 years) I had never heard of anything like that…and neither had my Dad. Trust my Dad, he almost went ballistic over what he considered to be a cheap government-backed extortion scheme, and which I considered (and still do) to be nothing but a scam (you needed to have seen the tout). Anyway he told us that they’d have to test our car and if we passed, we’d go and pay a sum of N1,250 at one green container in one funny place (like say space no dey secretariat). Dull scam, ko gbodo je mi. As he (tout) was still speaking, one chain smoker of a pick-up truck passed by us and it wasn’t stopped. My Dad asked why, and Mr. Tout was left speechless, then when he spoke, he said we could leave, that he just wanted to inform us. Psheew! This whole affair occurred beside a road-side buka (you can imagine all that smoke) on a bad road, and those ones were not cautioned either. Anyway, that’s Ogun State for you.
Rather long, uh? I warned you!
Friday, October 2, 2009
OPEN LETTER TO THE DEVIL
Undear Devil,
For starters, fuck you.
I hope that made you wince, you heartless fool. I’m writing this to you on the occasion of my country’s 49th Independence Day Celebration, which you are already aware of. This in itself gives me another opportunity to express my profound, boundless dislike, nay, hatred for you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart, for you are the bedrock of all the evil that has befallen this land over the years.
You, wicked Lucifer, have made the tag of today’s event a joke on this nation and its entire populace, for instead of independence, we remain in captivity. Though free from official external control, referring to us as a sovereign nation is a misnomer. Also, I wonder what it is that is so special about this day that we claim to be celebrating. You have held us in bondage through poverty, hunger and lack in its ugliest forms, so no matter what we do today, we know that for us freedom has not truly come.
It has been said in all the Good Books that you are the fountain of all evil and the source of all hardship and pain in the world of man. With this in view, I have concluded that whatever is wrong with this country of mine is your fault in entirety. Yes, it is. You are the one who influences evil, for you are the well of evil; in fact you are evil itself. Everything that is, or has ever been wrong with this country is exclusively and completely your handiwork, you sadistic Satan. You know that I am saying the truth, so you can’t even challenge my assertions.
You are to blame for the culture of corruption which has become woven into the fiber of our daily life in this land. Our leaders have been driven by you to steal (loot, misappropriate, embezzle…whatever) the money of the people, and I know that you are the one who put them up to it. They are self-respecting, respectable statesmen who would not ordinarily do any of those things if not for your evil powers with which you compel them. Every time I hear the outcry of the people against some public official who took some of the national cake, I feel my soul burning with hatred for you, since I’m fully aware that you were the one who put him (or her) up to it. Sometimes you build houses well beyond their reasonable means for them and help them forget to declare such assets to the country, then push those irresponsible press-people to blow the issue out of proportion by revealing the simple facts.
It is absolutely your fault also, that we do not have reliable power supply in this country. You are the king of darkness, so I know that you are the one who is causing this lack of steady electricity which has worsened terribly over the years. Our great leaders desire strongly that we have power supply for at least 20hrs daily, but you have frustrated their efforts. The generator importers are just being blamed by most of the people for no just cause, because I know that they have done absolutely nothing to sabotage the power sector. It is you and your legions of demons that always spoil things in this nation. I can even remember when you sent your evil spirits to shoot that Minister of Power & Steel dead in his home, for trying to reform the sector.
Our educational sector is in shambles, Mr. Satan, and that once again is your fault. Why are you so wicked? The agreement which the Federal Government reached with the lecturers’ union (against your wishes) has not been honored, even after many years, and I know that this is also the fault of none other than you. It appears that since you know that knowledge is light, you want to keep our nation in the darkness of ignorance by doing all within your power to destroy the education sector. This affects me personally, so for this I hate you double. Devilish Bastard! You keep stealing funds meant for the development of schools and try to frame up the administrators (Commissioners, VCs, principals) by keeping such monies in their accounts. You truly are a worker of mischief in more ways than one. You donated money to the Minister of Education and convinced him to throw an insanely lavish wedding anniversary while ASUU was on strike, just to make him look bad to the people. You should be ashamed of yourself, Satan.
Now let me advise you, you had better have a proper disguise on whenever you’re going anywhere around the South-South region of Nigeria, (commonly referred to as the Niger Delta) because those guys will lynch (or maybe just kidnap) you if they see you. You intercepted the funds released for the development of their land and its people, then found a way to make the government and the oil companies look like the real culprits. You ‘misappropriated’ those funds and made it look as if the Government does not care about them at all. Even by your evil standards, that is terrible. Now those ones have made the creeks their residence, taking hostages and demanding ransom for it, at your prodding. I know you’re probably chuckling at this, but I’m sure you won’t if Jomo Gbomo or Boyloaf gets to you after reading this letter.
By the way, I don’t know exactly what kind of clout you’ve got within the ranks of the mass media, but somehow, you got some unscrupulous journalists to inflate the figures of the allowances received by the members of the National Assembly. To sensationalize the little matter of the unsecured loans issued by some banks, or to overhype the alleged ill-health of our agile and able President. Despite how well you’ve been using them, you recently sent some of your agents to kill them, just like you’ve been doing over the years; since the days of green uniforms and black boots.
Why did you try to get the leader of that Boko Haram group to soil the reputation of some blameless members of our political class by claiming they were his sponsors? Thank God someone had the good sense to kill the guy before he could utter the blasphemous words with which you had already filled his mouth.
As for crime, we all know it is your doing, just to make the police look ill-equipped, under-staffed and under-paid. The Good Book tells me that you steal, kill and destroy, so I know that we do not even have robbers or assassins in this country; you just masquerade as them.
In your infinite wickedness and evil scheming, you have also rendered our refineries practically ineffective, such that we have to import fuel from foreign nations. This has made petroleum products so high-priced, especially where it comes from – the Niger Delta. Obviously, you have a sense of humor that befits your status as the Devil. I am personally sick of seeing you evil hands run things in this country, to hell with you! (not like I’m actually going with you o!)
Satan, I also know that it is your fault that people think that these excellent leaders of ours are irresponsible and weak or lack a clear vision and purpose. This I am sure is the reason why we are earnestly trying to re-brand our nation and its leadership in the eyes of the world, first by getting a “woman-of-the-people” to model for our ruling party, then making her come up with slogans that can boost our morale and credibility anywhere in the world. The fact that this campaign of ours is not even working is your fault, as you have battered our image so badly that re-construction seems to be the only way out.
I know (as we all do) that 2011 is just around the corner, and you will most likely stage a repeat of what you did in the last elections. I trust that even from now, you have begun to train million of your minions who will execute massive rigging in the forthcoming elections. You may also plan that you will make our honorable politicians look bad by possessing some youths to claim that they are working as thugs for these men of noble character.
There are many more things which you have been orchestrating against this country to prevent things from running smoothly. I cannot go into all these now, but I trust God to frustrate all your efforts to portray our wonderful leaders as men who do not care about their sworn duties to the people.
As Nigeria’s 49th year of independence passes today, I see no reason to celebrate, because you have single-handedly, without the aid of any human agent, made all things unpleasant in this country.
Once again, fuck you very much!
Definitely Not Yours
Mr. Unrealistic Nigerian
For starters, fuck you.
I hope that made you wince, you heartless fool. I’m writing this to you on the occasion of my country’s 49th Independence Day Celebration, which you are already aware of. This in itself gives me another opportunity to express my profound, boundless dislike, nay, hatred for you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart, for you are the bedrock of all the evil that has befallen this land over the years.
You, wicked Lucifer, have made the tag of today’s event a joke on this nation and its entire populace, for instead of independence, we remain in captivity. Though free from official external control, referring to us as a sovereign nation is a misnomer. Also, I wonder what it is that is so special about this day that we claim to be celebrating. You have held us in bondage through poverty, hunger and lack in its ugliest forms, so no matter what we do today, we know that for us freedom has not truly come.
It has been said in all the Good Books that you are the fountain of all evil and the source of all hardship and pain in the world of man. With this in view, I have concluded that whatever is wrong with this country of mine is your fault in entirety. Yes, it is. You are the one who influences evil, for you are the well of evil; in fact you are evil itself. Everything that is, or has ever been wrong with this country is exclusively and completely your handiwork, you sadistic Satan. You know that I am saying the truth, so you can’t even challenge my assertions.
You are to blame for the culture of corruption which has become woven into the fiber of our daily life in this land. Our leaders have been driven by you to steal (loot, misappropriate, embezzle…whatever) the money of the people, and I know that you are the one who put them up to it. They are self-respecting, respectable statesmen who would not ordinarily do any of those things if not for your evil powers with which you compel them. Every time I hear the outcry of the people against some public official who took some of the national cake, I feel my soul burning with hatred for you, since I’m fully aware that you were the one who put him (or her) up to it. Sometimes you build houses well beyond their reasonable means for them and help them forget to declare such assets to the country, then push those irresponsible press-people to blow the issue out of proportion by revealing the simple facts.
It is absolutely your fault also, that we do not have reliable power supply in this country. You are the king of darkness, so I know that you are the one who is causing this lack of steady electricity which has worsened terribly over the years. Our great leaders desire strongly that we have power supply for at least 20hrs daily, but you have frustrated their efforts. The generator importers are just being blamed by most of the people for no just cause, because I know that they have done absolutely nothing to sabotage the power sector. It is you and your legions of demons that always spoil things in this nation. I can even remember when you sent your evil spirits to shoot that Minister of Power & Steel dead in his home, for trying to reform the sector.
Our educational sector is in shambles, Mr. Satan, and that once again is your fault. Why are you so wicked? The agreement which the Federal Government reached with the lecturers’ union (against your wishes) has not been honored, even after many years, and I know that this is also the fault of none other than you. It appears that since you know that knowledge is light, you want to keep our nation in the darkness of ignorance by doing all within your power to destroy the education sector. This affects me personally, so for this I hate you double. Devilish Bastard! You keep stealing funds meant for the development of schools and try to frame up the administrators (Commissioners, VCs, principals) by keeping such monies in their accounts. You truly are a worker of mischief in more ways than one. You donated money to the Minister of Education and convinced him to throw an insanely lavish wedding anniversary while ASUU was on strike, just to make him look bad to the people. You should be ashamed of yourself, Satan.
Now let me advise you, you had better have a proper disguise on whenever you’re going anywhere around the South-South region of Nigeria, (commonly referred to as the Niger Delta) because those guys will lynch (or maybe just kidnap) you if they see you. You intercepted the funds released for the development of their land and its people, then found a way to make the government and the oil companies look like the real culprits. You ‘misappropriated’ those funds and made it look as if the Government does not care about them at all. Even by your evil standards, that is terrible. Now those ones have made the creeks their residence, taking hostages and demanding ransom for it, at your prodding. I know you’re probably chuckling at this, but I’m sure you won’t if Jomo Gbomo or Boyloaf gets to you after reading this letter.
By the way, I don’t know exactly what kind of clout you’ve got within the ranks of the mass media, but somehow, you got some unscrupulous journalists to inflate the figures of the allowances received by the members of the National Assembly. To sensationalize the little matter of the unsecured loans issued by some banks, or to overhype the alleged ill-health of our agile and able President. Despite how well you’ve been using them, you recently sent some of your agents to kill them, just like you’ve been doing over the years; since the days of green uniforms and black boots.
Why did you try to get the leader of that Boko Haram group to soil the reputation of some blameless members of our political class by claiming they were his sponsors? Thank God someone had the good sense to kill the guy before he could utter the blasphemous words with which you had already filled his mouth.
As for crime, we all know it is your doing, just to make the police look ill-equipped, under-staffed and under-paid. The Good Book tells me that you steal, kill and destroy, so I know that we do not even have robbers or assassins in this country; you just masquerade as them.
In your infinite wickedness and evil scheming, you have also rendered our refineries practically ineffective, such that we have to import fuel from foreign nations. This has made petroleum products so high-priced, especially where it comes from – the Niger Delta. Obviously, you have a sense of humor that befits your status as the Devil. I am personally sick of seeing you evil hands run things in this country, to hell with you! (not like I’m actually going with you o!)
Satan, I also know that it is your fault that people think that these excellent leaders of ours are irresponsible and weak or lack a clear vision and purpose. This I am sure is the reason why we are earnestly trying to re-brand our nation and its leadership in the eyes of the world, first by getting a “woman-of-the-people” to model for our ruling party, then making her come up with slogans that can boost our morale and credibility anywhere in the world. The fact that this campaign of ours is not even working is your fault, as you have battered our image so badly that re-construction seems to be the only way out.
I know (as we all do) that 2011 is just around the corner, and you will most likely stage a repeat of what you did in the last elections. I trust that even from now, you have begun to train million of your minions who will execute massive rigging in the forthcoming elections. You may also plan that you will make our honorable politicians look bad by possessing some youths to claim that they are working as thugs for these men of noble character.
There are many more things which you have been orchestrating against this country to prevent things from running smoothly. I cannot go into all these now, but I trust God to frustrate all your efforts to portray our wonderful leaders as men who do not care about their sworn duties to the people.
As Nigeria’s 49th year of independence passes today, I see no reason to celebrate, because you have single-handedly, without the aid of any human agent, made all things unpleasant in this country.
Once again, fuck you very much!
Definitely Not Yours
Mr. Unrealistic Nigerian
Thursday, October 1, 2009
BIKE-SHAG
“… when I got home, my Mum asked why the back of my jeans was wet…”
Commercial motorcycle riders, commonly referred to as okada have over the years, become a regular sight on Nigerian roads. They are considered to be a fast means of transport within suburbs and cities in the country, especially as a means of beating the heavy traffic-jams that characterize most major (and not-so-major towns and cities). If you belong to my current class of youths without cars (emphasis on ‘current’), then you have probably noticed a rather silly trend among okada riders. Instead of the normal practice of taking only one passenger, they nowadays prefer to take two or more passengers (who usually are stranger to each other) just like taxi-cabs do, so as to double their gains on each trip. It is therefore not too unusual to see a man in a white garment with matching bare feet and a woman-in-purdah - known in local parlance as eleha (or ninja, haha) - or a working class man in a suit with a mechanic on a bike. Talk about religious tolerance, unity and social equality/integration (forced, however).
I was somewhere recently, with some friends from my fellowship in school whom I haven’t seen in quite a while (about three months). We were gisting about our experiences during the on-going ASUU strike, and the discussion somehow shifted to bike-riders and their antics. The discussion was even beginning to get boring when one of us, named Segun*, told us a rather amusing (and quite irritating) story. He said his girlfriend told him (now I’m not giving you a long chain of reported speech) what happened to her on a bike recently. She (her name is Lola*) was going somewhere, and like most people who want to beat the notorious traffic, she took a bike. Somewhere along the way, they picked up a man who was going somewhere along the same route, though the distance was shorter. At first, the lady wanted to object to the dual-carriage (abi wetin I for call am?), but they (rider and male passenger) appealed to her, that it would not last too long. She grudgingly agreed, especially considering that there were no other bikes around…notwithstanding that she would have to play the piece of meat in the sandwich (abi na chicken burger?)
Now this is where it gets interesting. As they proceeded, the lady (who is rather curvaceous and ‘well-endowed) began to feel something prodding her posterior (in other words, chucking her booty), but she ignored it, as she felt she could endure the penile onslaught till the man disembarked. She did not want to complain so as not to create a scene, which she felt would be more embarrassing to her than to the male passenger behind her who was thoroughly enjoying himself (not to mention the rider who must have been having great fun with the soft cushion behind him). Soon enough, it was time for the male passenger to alight, which he did awkwardly but the lady paid no heed to that. She was only relieved that at least, the siege was over.
Now when my friend’s girlfriend got home, she greeted her mum and was walking to her room when her mom called her back and said, “Lola, se o joko le omi ni?” (Mummy, na on top ‘nail’ ur pikin siddon!) She was surprised at that comment and touched her behind to check the wet spot her mother was referring to, and (yes, just what you were thinking) felt a sticky wetness on her jeans. Shit! Can you believe that? Mr. Male Passenger had already e-spunk-ulated on Ms. Lola’s jeans. I cannot (even with my rather fertile imagination) picture how he managed to pull off such a feat. Dammit, perverts get levels o! My friend (Lola’s boyfriend) who told me this said; “were ni bobo yen o, o kan lo omo yen lori okada ni sha…o ga o”. Man, we all burst out laughing when he was through with the story, but we quickly consoled him by saying that at least it was not her fault.
Now some questions arise; why in the first place should an okada rider carry two passengers? Are there no traffic laws against that sort of thing? On the same roads that are littered by all sorts of “law enforcement agencies”. I am saying this because I think that it is the lack of proper regulation of okada operators (forget that helmet thing, jare) that created the right circumstances for what happened to Lola. That aside, it is the pinnacle of perversion for a man to just ‘through-clothes-shag’ a lady on a bike. I’m a bit confused here because I don’t even know who to blame; the bike-man, the government, the male passenger or the lady herself.
Well, this is what I think; they all share the blame for that disgusting scenario (this story only). For starters, bikes are not cabs, and should not be treated as such. It is therefore unacceptable for two people (and strangers. at that) to be transported on a bike at once. It is not only unsafe; it is also indecent especially in cases where both passengers are of different sexes. Also, I’m of the opinion that commuters should not allow themselves to be carried with somebody else on a bike. In the story above, if the girl had firmly stood her ground (irrespective of whether her options were limited or not); the male passenger would have had to wait for another bike, and she would not have been ‘used’ like that. Also, men who are in the habit of ‘bike-shagging’ should desist from such sick behavior…that is a really crazy innovation in masturbation. Lastly, the local government authorities should, in addition to the helmet issue, devise means to stem the double-biking (actually triple) situation in its tide.
This might just seem like a product of total boredom to you (which it partly is, anyway), but I just heard the story and decided that I just had to do a piece on it. Before I take my hands of this keyboard, I want to leave us with some food for thought; if the daughter of an important government official had been the one who experienced the ‘bike-wank-shag’, wouldn’t they have started enforcing the law on this matter? That won’t happen though, because they live in such opulence that even their maids do not have to take okada. On the other hand, if not for the bad economic situation (by this I’m not speaking of the global recession), would okada riders be so desperate as to resort to such silly moves to maximize profits? At least “man must wack” , “pikin must go school” and so on. When you consider that they also pay ACOMORAN (the okada riders’ union), buy fuel (we all know how expensive that has become) and ‘settle’ policemen, all out of their meager income, then you’ll see things in perspective. I’m not just blaming the Government because that’s what everybody does, but because the problems emanated from them through their nonchalance about such matters.
P.S: If you have a problem with my views, or you have a suggestion; post a comment!
** not real names.
Commercial motorcycle riders, commonly referred to as okada have over the years, become a regular sight on Nigerian roads. They are considered to be a fast means of transport within suburbs and cities in the country, especially as a means of beating the heavy traffic-jams that characterize most major (and not-so-major towns and cities). If you belong to my current class of youths without cars (emphasis on ‘current’), then you have probably noticed a rather silly trend among okada riders. Instead of the normal practice of taking only one passenger, they nowadays prefer to take two or more passengers (who usually are stranger to each other) just like taxi-cabs do, so as to double their gains on each trip. It is therefore not too unusual to see a man in a white garment with matching bare feet and a woman-in-purdah - known in local parlance as eleha (or ninja, haha) - or a working class man in a suit with a mechanic on a bike. Talk about religious tolerance, unity and social equality/integration (forced, however).
I was somewhere recently, with some friends from my fellowship in school whom I haven’t seen in quite a while (about three months). We were gisting about our experiences during the on-going ASUU strike, and the discussion somehow shifted to bike-riders and their antics. The discussion was even beginning to get boring when one of us, named Segun*, told us a rather amusing (and quite irritating) story. He said his girlfriend told him (now I’m not giving you a long chain of reported speech) what happened to her on a bike recently. She (her name is Lola*) was going somewhere, and like most people who want to beat the notorious traffic, she took a bike. Somewhere along the way, they picked up a man who was going somewhere along the same route, though the distance was shorter. At first, the lady wanted to object to the dual-carriage (abi wetin I for call am?), but they (rider and male passenger) appealed to her, that it would not last too long. She grudgingly agreed, especially considering that there were no other bikes around…notwithstanding that she would have to play the piece of meat in the sandwich (abi na chicken burger?)
Now this is where it gets interesting. As they proceeded, the lady (who is rather curvaceous and ‘well-endowed) began to feel something prodding her posterior (in other words, chucking her booty), but she ignored it, as she felt she could endure the penile onslaught till the man disembarked. She did not want to complain so as not to create a scene, which she felt would be more embarrassing to her than to the male passenger behind her who was thoroughly enjoying himself (not to mention the rider who must have been having great fun with the soft cushion behind him). Soon enough, it was time for the male passenger to alight, which he did awkwardly but the lady paid no heed to that. She was only relieved that at least, the siege was over.
Now when my friend’s girlfriend got home, she greeted her mum and was walking to her room when her mom called her back and said, “Lola, se o joko le omi ni?” (Mummy, na on top ‘nail’ ur pikin siddon!) She was surprised at that comment and touched her behind to check the wet spot her mother was referring to, and (yes, just what you were thinking) felt a sticky wetness on her jeans. Shit! Can you believe that? Mr. Male Passenger had already e-spunk-ulated on Ms. Lola’s jeans. I cannot (even with my rather fertile imagination) picture how he managed to pull off such a feat. Dammit, perverts get levels o! My friend (Lola’s boyfriend) who told me this said; “were ni bobo yen o, o kan lo omo yen lori okada ni sha…o ga o”. Man, we all burst out laughing when he was through with the story, but we quickly consoled him by saying that at least it was not her fault.
Now some questions arise; why in the first place should an okada rider carry two passengers? Are there no traffic laws against that sort of thing? On the same roads that are littered by all sorts of “law enforcement agencies”. I am saying this because I think that it is the lack of proper regulation of okada operators (forget that helmet thing, jare) that created the right circumstances for what happened to Lola. That aside, it is the pinnacle of perversion for a man to just ‘through-clothes-shag’ a lady on a bike. I’m a bit confused here because I don’t even know who to blame; the bike-man, the government, the male passenger or the lady herself.
Well, this is what I think; they all share the blame for that disgusting scenario (this story only). For starters, bikes are not cabs, and should not be treated as such. It is therefore unacceptable for two people (and strangers. at that) to be transported on a bike at once. It is not only unsafe; it is also indecent especially in cases where both passengers are of different sexes. Also, I’m of the opinion that commuters should not allow themselves to be carried with somebody else on a bike. In the story above, if the girl had firmly stood her ground (irrespective of whether her options were limited or not); the male passenger would have had to wait for another bike, and she would not have been ‘used’ like that. Also, men who are in the habit of ‘bike-shagging’ should desist from such sick behavior…that is a really crazy innovation in masturbation. Lastly, the local government authorities should, in addition to the helmet issue, devise means to stem the double-biking (actually triple) situation in its tide.
This might just seem like a product of total boredom to you (which it partly is, anyway), but I just heard the story and decided that I just had to do a piece on it. Before I take my hands of this keyboard, I want to leave us with some food for thought; if the daughter of an important government official had been the one who experienced the ‘bike-wank-shag’, wouldn’t they have started enforcing the law on this matter? That won’t happen though, because they live in such opulence that even their maids do not have to take okada. On the other hand, if not for the bad economic situation (by this I’m not speaking of the global recession), would okada riders be so desperate as to resort to such silly moves to maximize profits? At least “man must wack” , “pikin must go school” and so on. When you consider that they also pay ACOMORAN (the okada riders’ union), buy fuel (we all know how expensive that has become) and ‘settle’ policemen, all out of their meager income, then you’ll see things in perspective. I’m not just blaming the Government because that’s what everybody does, but because the problems emanated from them through their nonchalance about such matters.
P.S: If you have a problem with my views, or you have a suggestion; post a comment!
** not real names.
MY PROBLEM, NOT THEIRS
ASUU. If you ask your average kid what the acronym stands for, I bet he'll probably tell you something like; "I don't know it's full meaning, but I think the 's' stands for 'strike'. I don't know if that's what your kid sibling would say, but I'm sure that's what I'd have thought at that age. Just in case you haven't heard about them, I'm referring to that body of irresponsible old men (forgive me if your parent(s) are members) whom we call lecturers, who apparently think that demolition is the only way to construct...as if they don't renovate their own houses. The fellows who are partly at fault for almost everything I've written recently, and the main reason why the E-Centre is always crowded, not to mention why Centage Superstar has so many applicants. Those people who are enjoying an undeserved vacation (with pay, of course) and leaving some youths (who are not really interested in school, anyway) with way too much spare time on their hands...and we claim to want to reduce crime rate. Okay o.
When the rumors of another ASUU strike began going the rounds, I was a bit happy with the idea of getting a break from the school environment (an overdose of that Ago-Iwoye environment is definitely not safe for anyone's mental health), if only for three weeks. However, after spending two months and more at home (talk of weeks becoming months), with only-God-knows-how-many more months to go in this 'indefinite' industrial action, I'm starting to itch for that supposedly toxic school environment. Now that's a gross understatement; I am super-sick of sitting my not-so-flat posterior at home. Spending time at home has never been a bad idea, in fact, it could be really good, (especially with folks like mine) but two straight months is pushing it to the extreme...it could be counterproductive. I have been trying to console myself by saying that it has to be the will of God - considering that everybody seems to be praying about it - but that line is getting rather hackneyed. While I am here whining and grumbling about the puerile show of shame between ASUU and the FG, some people (who claim to be my friends) see this strike as the best thing to have happened this year, since it affords them limitless opportunities to engage in unfettered carousal without having to spare a thought to lectures or exams. E be like say na them dey even spoil the prayer sef. Psheew!
The issue has led me to do some thinking about why something that gives me so much agony (trust me, boredom does that) is a non-issue with some supposedly right-thinking people. I have come to the conclusion that people have different priorities and concerns, depending on their station in life and the current situation. For example, I am so certain that Asari-Dokubo does not care one bit about my ASUU problem, nor does Cecilia Ibru or Eraustus Akingbola care about whether I'm released from my home-jail soon (no pun intended), just as I honestly do not give a f**k (or two) about whether Alhaji Yar' Adua is dying or not (and vice-versa).
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, though I think I'll find out by the time I'm through. Nigeria is a great nation with good people (or so Prof. Dora Akunyili thinks), referred to by none but themselves as the "Giant of Africa" (who dash una)...in reality Nigeria is just an overgrown baby that is stuck in a deep dungwell (read that as deep sh*t). Enmeshed in many problems and governed by an vison-lacking leadership which is unfortunately headed (at least in name) by a sick man who is pretending to be the President. This man has something he calls a 7-point agenda which is supposed to be the compass for his leadership, but I think he also has something called a "Pain-in-the-ass List", which outlines our national problems in descending order (it obviously is none of our business, so he hasn't read it to us). I haven't seen it, but I guess it should be something like this;
My Pains In The Posterior (note he didn't say 'ass', that'd be politically incorrect).
1. My health - Wallahi, this is such a big thorn in my flesh. I wonder how those old colleagues of mine expect me to have their time, when I'm battling with this cocktail of illnesses.
2. Niger-Delta crises - these boys, Okah, Boyloaf, Tompolo and the rest are just crazy. This amnesty palaver is straining me...that's not good for my health AT ALL. Obasanjo, help me out!!!
3. Banking sector reforms - I wish they could just leave those people alone...but I'm powerless, even though I'm the President.
4. Boko Haram - I just hope no one ever reveals the true masterminds...that won't augur well for anybody. I won't mention names, lest someone sees this list.
5. Power issues - Not that I care that much, anyway. Besides, this generator and diesel people are too powerful for me o. I'd rather just let the sleeping lions lie...rather than twist their tails by solving this national nightmare.
6. Education Sector - No comment...
"No comment!" On the issue that hurts me most! This man must be insane. That's the most frustrating part of the whole situation; the fact that for the past two weeks, nobody (at least nobody that can directly influence the strike favorably) seems to be saying anything about it. It appears, that they have forgotten about the strike, or if they remember, they do not care in the least bit about the matter. Obviously, my problem is not their concern in any way, otherwise, won't they even pretend to be interested in the matter, by discussing (and 'negotiating') it? As for that Mr. Hapless Cretin a.k.a. Sam Egwu, I think he should just resign, then commit suicide shortly afterwards. For starters, I can't imagine a former governor being so desirous of public office (note that I didn't say 'service') that he would accept to serve in the cabinet (i.e. at the pleasure) of a fellow ex-governor like himself, who by some silly trick of fate, happens to be the President's official representative (no, that's not a typo). That is still acceptable, at least going by the considerably low level of politicians in this country, but I think it is absoulutely absurd for a minister to have such a colossal crisis on his hands (the entire educational sector is on strike) and remain a disinterested observer.
Come to think of it, I am writing this as if it is going to make a dent in their sound-proof armor (that insulates them from public criticism and the groanings of the people whose welfare and interests they are sworn to seek) when it is almost certain that this piece (they'll probably add 'of shit') counts for nothing. Besides, on a very personal note - very, because this whole article is basically inspired by my personal frustration - even when (or if) they call off this ill-considered strike, my school, the infamous Olabisi Onabanjo University, Ago-Iwoye, will most probably proceed on another strike; so all of you who share that demographic characteristic with me, might as well abandon the idea of schooling totally, (ladies, go get married...dudes, go learn a trade) but how do you just walk away from a law degree in part 5? So I'll just remove the 'A' from my name and become Job (lol); "all the days of my appointed time will I wait, until my change comes". Please Ms. Change, come quickly o!
When the rumors of another ASUU strike began going the rounds, I was a bit happy with the idea of getting a break from the school environment (an overdose of that Ago-Iwoye environment is definitely not safe for anyone's mental health), if only for three weeks. However, after spending two months and more at home (talk of weeks becoming months), with only-God-knows-how-many more months to go in this 'indefinite' industrial action, I'm starting to itch for that supposedly toxic school environment. Now that's a gross understatement; I am super-sick of sitting my not-so-flat posterior at home. Spending time at home has never been a bad idea, in fact, it could be really good, (especially with folks like mine) but two straight months is pushing it to the extreme...it could be counterproductive. I have been trying to console myself by saying that it has to be the will of God - considering that everybody seems to be praying about it - but that line is getting rather hackneyed. While I am here whining and grumbling about the puerile show of shame between ASUU and the FG, some people (who claim to be my friends) see this strike as the best thing to have happened this year, since it affords them limitless opportunities to engage in unfettered carousal without having to spare a thought to lectures or exams. E be like say na them dey even spoil the prayer sef. Psheew!
The issue has led me to do some thinking about why something that gives me so much agony (trust me, boredom does that) is a non-issue with some supposedly right-thinking people. I have come to the conclusion that people have different priorities and concerns, depending on their station in life and the current situation. For example, I am so certain that Asari-Dokubo does not care one bit about my ASUU problem, nor does Cecilia Ibru or Eraustus Akingbola care about whether I'm released from my home-jail soon (no pun intended), just as I honestly do not give a f**k (or two) about whether Alhaji Yar' Adua is dying or not (and vice-versa).
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, though I think I'll find out by the time I'm through. Nigeria is a great nation with good people (or so Prof. Dora Akunyili thinks), referred to by none but themselves as the "Giant of Africa" (who dash una)...in reality Nigeria is just an overgrown baby that is stuck in a deep dungwell (read that as deep sh*t). Enmeshed in many problems and governed by an vison-lacking leadership which is unfortunately headed (at least in name) by a sick man who is pretending to be the President. This man has something he calls a 7-point agenda which is supposed to be the compass for his leadership, but I think he also has something called a "Pain-in-the-ass List", which outlines our national problems in descending order (it obviously is none of our business, so he hasn't read it to us). I haven't seen it, but I guess it should be something like this;
My Pains In The Posterior (note he didn't say 'ass', that'd be politically incorrect).
1. My health - Wallahi, this is such a big thorn in my flesh. I wonder how those old colleagues of mine expect me to have their time, when I'm battling with this cocktail of illnesses.
2. Niger-Delta crises - these boys, Okah, Boyloaf, Tompolo and the rest are just crazy. This amnesty palaver is straining me...that's not good for my health AT ALL. Obasanjo, help me out!!!
3. Banking sector reforms - I wish they could just leave those people alone...but I'm powerless, even though I'm the President.
4. Boko Haram - I just hope no one ever reveals the true masterminds...that won't augur well for anybody. I won't mention names, lest someone sees this list.
5. Power issues - Not that I care that much, anyway. Besides, this generator and diesel people are too powerful for me o. I'd rather just let the sleeping lions lie...rather than twist their tails by solving this national nightmare.
6. Education Sector - No comment...
"No comment!" On the issue that hurts me most! This man must be insane. That's the most frustrating part of the whole situation; the fact that for the past two weeks, nobody (at least nobody that can directly influence the strike favorably) seems to be saying anything about it. It appears, that they have forgotten about the strike, or if they remember, they do not care in the least bit about the matter. Obviously, my problem is not their concern in any way, otherwise, won't they even pretend to be interested in the matter, by discussing (and 'negotiating') it? As for that Mr. Hapless Cretin a.k.a. Sam Egwu, I think he should just resign, then commit suicide shortly afterwards. For starters, I can't imagine a former governor being so desirous of public office (note that I didn't say 'service') that he would accept to serve in the cabinet (i.e. at the pleasure) of a fellow ex-governor like himself, who by some silly trick of fate, happens to be the President's official representative (no, that's not a typo). That is still acceptable, at least going by the considerably low level of politicians in this country, but I think it is absoulutely absurd for a minister to have such a colossal crisis on his hands (the entire educational sector is on strike) and remain a disinterested observer.
Come to think of it, I am writing this as if it is going to make a dent in their sound-proof armor (that insulates them from public criticism and the groanings of the people whose welfare and interests they are sworn to seek) when it is almost certain that this piece (they'll probably add 'of shit') counts for nothing. Besides, on a very personal note - very, because this whole article is basically inspired by my personal frustration - even when (or if) they call off this ill-considered strike, my school, the infamous Olabisi Onabanjo University, Ago-Iwoye, will most probably proceed on another strike; so all of you who share that demographic characteristic with me, might as well abandon the idea of schooling totally, (ladies, go get married...dudes, go learn a trade) but how do you just walk away from a law degree in part 5? So I'll just remove the 'A' from my name and become Job (lol); "all the days of my appointed time will I wait, until my change comes". Please Ms. Change, come quickly o!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
BLAZE (OF GLORY?)
I have observed recently, the gradual gravitation from the filtered stick to the hand-rolled stick. By this I don't mean the normal hand-rolled cigarettes, I mean weeed. Yes, weed, grass, pot, marijuana, cannabis, ganja...etc.(Its got so many names, only God seems to have more) You know... In fact I wonder at times if I'm the only person who doesn't take the stuff; it seems like everybody
has now seen the "light", and I (and a few other people) are still languishing in darkness.
I'm sure somebody who's reading this might be able to relate to this. The fact that weed consumption is increasingly popular doesn't necessarily mean it is right, but then, the fact that it is illegal doesn't mean it is wrong.
I really don't know who started this new weed wave, or the peeps who influenced this paradigm shift but it seems I began to notice it shortly after Mr. Abolore whats-his-surname (9ice) released that his
"Ganja" song. I felt it. You also probably did. But it seems some dudes were not just okay with dancing to the song, they wanted to be able to relate personally to the lyrics...well, so they put the song to practice.
Who cares? The only certain thing is, its obvious that the dope-stick has now become the pope-of-sticks, at least as far as I can see.
Now if the above assertion is true, the important issue now is whether or not this rise in weed intake is good, not-so good, or just plain bad. I'm actually beginning to sound too much like a student of criminology, which I am; but is the criminalization of the use of cannabis in line with social realities?
I'm not exactly an advocate of the marijuana lobby, but then, if the people want it, let them have it! Or aren't laws supposed to b people oriented? Boys sucking on some inspireeashan (inspiration) don't want to be disturbed, plus its a frigging cash crop, so why don't those politicians just stop being silly and...LEGALIZE IT!!!
Please pardon me if you feel I'm talking bull...ish, but I just saw the trend and thought I should comment on it. Y'all can also feel free to comment...
has now seen the "light", and I (and a few other people) are still languishing in darkness.
I'm sure somebody who's reading this might be able to relate to this. The fact that weed consumption is increasingly popular doesn't necessarily mean it is right, but then, the fact that it is illegal doesn't mean it is wrong.
I really don't know who started this new weed wave, or the peeps who influenced this paradigm shift but it seems I began to notice it shortly after Mr. Abolore whats-his-surname (9ice) released that his
"Ganja" song. I felt it. You also probably did. But it seems some dudes were not just okay with dancing to the song, they wanted to be able to relate personally to the lyrics...well, so they put the song to practice.
Who cares? The only certain thing is, its obvious that the dope-stick has now become the pope-of-sticks, at least as far as I can see.
Now if the above assertion is true, the important issue now is whether or not this rise in weed intake is good, not-so good, or just plain bad. I'm actually beginning to sound too much like a student of criminology, which I am; but is the criminalization of the use of cannabis in line with social realities?
I'm not exactly an advocate of the marijuana lobby, but then, if the people want it, let them have it! Or aren't laws supposed to b people oriented? Boys sucking on some inspireeashan (inspiration) don't want to be disturbed, plus its a frigging cash crop, so why don't those politicians just stop being silly and...LEGALIZE IT!!!
Please pardon me if you feel I'm talking bull...ish, but I just saw the trend and thought I should comment on it. Y'all can also feel free to comment...
Monday, September 28, 2009
IS TIME MONEY?: A twisted perspective
Here I'm just attempting to have a go at one of those sayings which have become established as absolute truths in human societies all over the world...Time is Money. Is it? Is time really, perfectly and absolutely equal to money? Mind you, the literal interpretation of the said phrase is that time is one and the same thing as money. Good. I was never any good at mathematics, but if you were to represent that mathematically, it would be time = money. In other words money would not only be a valid substitute for time in any equation (situation), but would also bear the same value as money. Transplant that into real life and it would imply that the terms "money" and "time" are just two words which refer to the same thing, and that whoever has time, has money and vice-versa. It is at this point that I will take my first shot at that well worn expression.
If time truly IS money, how come I don't have money? How come the thousands of unemployed youths (and even the not-so-youthful) don't have money? Next thing you'll probably say is that they don't make effective use of their time, right? But then, the fact that I'm not spending my money well doesn't mean I don't have it! Or lets look at it from another angle; everybody has the same number of hours per day, so why doesn't everybody's bank account have the same amount of money in them? Or aren't time and money supposed to be the same thing?? Money is supposed to be relatively scarce (I learnt that from secondary school economics) but time is not, every person has it in sufficient quantities. DO THEY ACCEPT TIME AT THE STORES??? NO!
Okay, you are still stuck on this your "time is money" principle, and you believe my reasoning is faulty, good. If time is the same as money, then time should be a valid substitute for money in ALL instances, but this, my dear, is not the case. There are some emotions that money cannot provoke, which time can.
I believe in the near omnipotence of money, but I know doesn't extend to some aspects of life. In fact, I'm speaking for money, (despite the fact that I don't have it) because, with money you can buy time, but it doesn't cut both ways - always.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I guess it's because I'm bored, not-rich-enough and I've got a lot of time on my hands! So, time can't be equal to money; we're all born with time on our hands, but no one is born with money...so? OK, I think I get it now, some peoples' time is worth more than some other peeps time, is it. AM I SOUNDING CRAZY??? That shouldn't be the case if time is equal to money. If, for instance, 1 hour is equal to 1 million dollars, then everybody should have 24 million dollars per day, just for being alive. Equal amounts of time should translate to equal amounts of money. That way, there'd be no "richest man in the world". Or am I wrong?
You know, all this back and forth that I've been carrying on with doesn't necessarily define my stand or my honest sincere views. I could as well provide you with an even stronger argument in favor of the same statement. It's dumb stuff like this Plato, Aristotle et al, got us getting ourselves worked up over. That's what they got their money and fame from...talking lame trash and summing it up in a sentence or phrase like "TIME IS MONEY"
P.S: Please do not laugh at me... I'm not over the edge...yet!
If time truly IS money, how come I don't have money? How come the thousands of unemployed youths (and even the not-so-youthful) don't have money? Next thing you'll probably say is that they don't make effective use of their time, right? But then, the fact that I'm not spending my money well doesn't mean I don't have it! Or lets look at it from another angle; everybody has the same number of hours per day, so why doesn't everybody's bank account have the same amount of money in them? Or aren't time and money supposed to be the same thing?? Money is supposed to be relatively scarce (I learnt that from secondary school economics) but time is not, every person has it in sufficient quantities. DO THEY ACCEPT TIME AT THE STORES??? NO!
Okay, you are still stuck on this your "time is money" principle, and you believe my reasoning is faulty, good. If time is the same as money, then time should be a valid substitute for money in ALL instances, but this, my dear, is not the case. There are some emotions that money cannot provoke, which time can.
I believe in the near omnipotence of money, but I know doesn't extend to some aspects of life. In fact, I'm speaking for money, (despite the fact that I don't have it) because, with money you can buy time, but it doesn't cut both ways - always.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I guess it's because I'm bored, not-rich-enough and I've got a lot of time on my hands! So, time can't be equal to money; we're all born with time on our hands, but no one is born with money...so? OK, I think I get it now, some peoples' time is worth more than some other peeps time, is it. AM I SOUNDING CRAZY??? That shouldn't be the case if time is equal to money. If, for instance, 1 hour is equal to 1 million dollars, then everybody should have 24 million dollars per day, just for being alive. Equal amounts of time should translate to equal amounts of money. That way, there'd be no "richest man in the world". Or am I wrong?
You know, all this back and forth that I've been carrying on with doesn't necessarily define my stand or my honest sincere views. I could as well provide you with an even stronger argument in favor of the same statement. It's dumb stuff like this Plato, Aristotle et al, got us getting ourselves worked up over. That's what they got their money and fame from...talking lame trash and summing it up in a sentence or phrase like "TIME IS MONEY"
P.S: Please do not laugh at me... I'm not over the edge...yet!
Bad Is Good
Two Sundays ago, my Dad went to church dressed in a beautiful black suit with a white shirt and a black bow tie (I won't expressly refer to it as a tuxedo) and he looked absolutely resplendent in the well-tailored outfit which perfectly complemented his already impressive looks.
Just in case you aren't aware, my Dad is a preacher, so as he mounted the pulpit to deliver the Word (note I didn't say 'the sermon'), he was the cynosure of all eyes, and I doubt it was simply because they eager to receive the divine message...especially the females, you need to have seen how they hung on to every single word that was spewed from his lips. I mean, when he-who-is-greater-than-George Clooney (let me prop my Pop, jare) stands before a hall jam-packed with more women than men folk, you can try to picture the attention he'll command.
All eyes trailed him as he paced back and forth - with that unique swagger that only men of his distinguished caliber possess - around the auditorium, 'rightly dividing the Word of Truth with a mastery stemming from in-depth study and divine revelation, and ministering in the Spirit with power. (if you aren't really familiar with church lingua, you may be quite lost here).
However that's not even what I want to talk about in this piece; all that was just to provide some background and get you interested in this thought (it may seem inane to some) which crossed my mind exactly 28 minutes ago. The thought simply is; what has befallen our vocabulary? What have we done with the rules of grammar and nuances of diction and word usage? Mind you, I'm not even referring to the "as in", "I was like" syndrome here.
Now that's plain boring, so let's get back to my story. After the service, I went to my Dad's (actually the bishop's) office to tell him how much I enjoyed the service, and how gorgeous his outfit looked. I said; "Daddy, the service today was bad, like...baaad!" I continued, "the message was mad, and your outfit just killed everyone, it was very tight". His fiftyish handsome face became a frown (he seems to respect my opinion), and he said; "Joba, what do you mean by 'mad', 'bad' and 'tight'? The power of God was present and I believe people were blessed, so what are you saying? Or was there a problem with the message? Then you said my suit was tight, ko de fun mi o..."
Smiling, I cut in; "No Dad, that wasn't what I meant o! I was just trying to say that I really enjoyed the service, the atmosphere was electrifying. As for your suit, it is a perfect fit, very sweet and lovely. I didn't mean that there was a problem with it, ko si problem kankan o". He sighed and said; "Are you sure?" I replied in the affirmative with a nod. He then said; "I don't understand your generation and its manner of speech; it seems with you people, bad is good". I just smiled weakly and said nothing, dismissing his views in my mind as one of those "you children of nowadays" speeches.
But 52 minutes ago, when I saw a 'baad' EOD go past me on the road, the thought just struck me again: "Bad is Good"...that's quite true these days especially considering that
'Ill' is good.
'Sick' is sometimes good.
'Dope' is sooo good.
'Mad' is good.
'Bad' is almost always good.
There are some others too, only they aren't just coming to me now, they come only when I want to speak to my Dad.
I just hope this linguistic decay doesn't stretch or extend into the realm of our moral principles, too. Hell, it already has. A look at the current social structure and value system will show that so many facets of public and private morality have become so warped that bad, to a great extent, has become good. I am already feeling dizzy from spending too long staring this screen, so I will not give instances...but if you really need some, look inwards, you'll see you're twisted, too. Anyhow, who cares if bad is good sef? "Any which ways, it's all good". Hahaha.
P.S: Y'all see what ASUU is doing to me o!!! Someone save my mind from going down. Abi na up? Whatever. AWWWW!!!...
Just in case you aren't aware, my Dad is a preacher, so as he mounted the pulpit to deliver the Word (note I didn't say 'the sermon'), he was the cynosure of all eyes, and I doubt it was simply because they eager to receive the divine message...especially the females, you need to have seen how they hung on to every single word that was spewed from his lips. I mean, when he-who-is-greater-than-George Clooney (let me prop my Pop, jare) stands before a hall jam-packed with more women than men folk, you can try to picture the attention he'll command.
All eyes trailed him as he paced back and forth - with that unique swagger that only men of his distinguished caliber possess - around the auditorium, 'rightly dividing the Word of Truth with a mastery stemming from in-depth study and divine revelation, and ministering in the Spirit with power. (if you aren't really familiar with church lingua, you may be quite lost here).
However that's not even what I want to talk about in this piece; all that was just to provide some background and get you interested in this thought (it may seem inane to some) which crossed my mind exactly 28 minutes ago. The thought simply is; what has befallen our vocabulary? What have we done with the rules of grammar and nuances of diction and word usage? Mind you, I'm not even referring to the "as in", "I was like" syndrome here.
Now that's plain boring, so let's get back to my story. After the service, I went to my Dad's (actually the bishop's) office to tell him how much I enjoyed the service, and how gorgeous his outfit looked. I said; "Daddy, the service today was bad, like...baaad!" I continued, "the message was mad, and your outfit just killed everyone, it was very tight". His fiftyish handsome face became a frown (he seems to respect my opinion), and he said; "Joba, what do you mean by 'mad', 'bad' and 'tight'? The power of God was present and I believe people were blessed, so what are you saying? Or was there a problem with the message? Then you said my suit was tight, ko de fun mi o..."
Smiling, I cut in; "No Dad, that wasn't what I meant o! I was just trying to say that I really enjoyed the service, the atmosphere was electrifying. As for your suit, it is a perfect fit, very sweet and lovely. I didn't mean that there was a problem with it, ko si problem kankan o". He sighed and said; "Are you sure?" I replied in the affirmative with a nod. He then said; "I don't understand your generation and its manner of speech; it seems with you people, bad is good". I just smiled weakly and said nothing, dismissing his views in my mind as one of those "you children of nowadays" speeches.
But 52 minutes ago, when I saw a 'baad' EOD go past me on the road, the thought just struck me again: "Bad is Good"...that's quite true these days especially considering that
'Ill' is good.
'Sick' is sometimes good.
'Dope' is sooo good.
'Mad' is good.
'Bad' is almost always good.
There are some others too, only they aren't just coming to me now, they come only when I want to speak to my Dad.
I just hope this linguistic decay doesn't stretch or extend into the realm of our moral principles, too. Hell, it already has. A look at the current social structure and value system will show that so many facets of public and private morality have become so warped that bad, to a great extent, has become good. I am already feeling dizzy from spending too long staring this screen, so I will not give instances...but if you really need some, look inwards, you'll see you're twisted, too. Anyhow, who cares if bad is good sef? "Any which ways, it's all good". Hahaha.
P.S: Y'all see what ASUU is doing to me o!!! Someone save my mind from going down. Abi na up? Whatever. AWWWW!!!...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
HELP, MY WIFE DOES NOT LOVE ME!!!
Dear Agony Aunt,
I write this, out of deep frustration, despair and irritation at this unpleasant vortex in which I find myself. I am a married man. That ordinarily should be good news, for marriage is a beautiful experience which is usually characterized by bliss, joy and harmony. It is a life-long union in which each party should serve as a pillar of strength and love for the other. This, however is not the case for me,for though I am a married man, my soul is sorely vexed with displeasure at the woman I call my wife. My heart aches deep within me, for I am, like many others, a party to an unhappy marriage that seems to be headed for the rocks. I am a man for whom the bliss of marriage has been transformed into a living hell, and these nuptial knots have become chains of angst and pain.
I love my wife, or at least I'd like to convince myself that I do. My marriage is the biggest source of pain for me these days, seeing how sour it has become. It is no longer the joyful period in the life of a man which it should be. For me, nothing seems to be going right in this excuse for a marriage in which I have found myself trapped. Agony, if I had known it would be this bad, I'd rather have ignored everyone's opinion and remained a bachelor for the rest of my life. It may seem extreme to you, but that is exactly how I feel at this moment.
I am married to a woman who seems not to care in the slightest bit about my feelings; she, as it were, ignores me. She seems to have no iota of love, for me, and seems to just be tolerating me. She pays no attention to my needs and desires. She cares little about my dreams, hopes and aspirations. My future is not exactly her favorite topic, and she never makes any effort to conceal that fact. Now, it may appear as if I’m just going on about my worries and fears, but the picture I am painting is grossly downplayed, such that all the high-colors of pain and anguish are not even being exactly portrayed.
My heart hurts, yes it does. It palpitates with severe aches; aches sprouting from my fears for my spouse and the relationship we have. I'd say treasure all we share, but the premium I place on our union is not in any way being mirrored by this woman to whom I'm married. For instance, she is absolutely indifferent about my current jobless, suspended state – no viable employment or profitable engagement, and she switches the issue every time I bring it up. I know she can help out, but she has not even pretended to be helping out, and that speaks volumes.
That is bad enough, but the way she treats my friends and relations leaves so much to be desired. My brother in Port-Harcourt complains frequently about her unkind behavior towards him, and he has already taken his complaints to another level; employing violence to protest and show his disenchantment with the way she behaves. Even my aged mother – who surprisingly is not even troublesome anymore – seems to be silently enduring all her uncouth manners, for she always declines to comment whenever anyone comes up with the topic of my wife’s badly irresponsible behavior.
Agony Aunt, it appears that this woman does not love me anymore - she probably never did - even though we happen to be legally married and still live together. My father foisted this woman on me, though I must admit (she is aware, too) that if only I was firmer and more deliberate with my objection to the marriage, we wouldn't be married. It is annoying beyond measure that the same man who forced her on me now seems to be silent about misbehavior. Hell, that's in the past, I was wrong, but what can I do?I have been advised to take a new wife to replace her (I plan to do so soon anyway), but what difference will that make? How am I certain that the new wife will not be as bad, if not worse than this lady with whom I currently reside (it hurts me to refer to her as my wife)?
This woman is inhumanly obdurate when it comes to expressing her views on any issue on which we have differing opinions. My wife, who is supposed to be submissive to me, her husband and crowning jewel, is practically now my boss. At times I wonder what happened to the vows she made on our wedding day at the Eagle Square. She either gets her way, or leaves me to my own devices, paying no heed to at all to me or my wishes. Worst of all, she has totally abandoned her wifely duties; she doesn’t cook my meals anymore so I have to eat out (usually I just send Emeka, my younger brother to purchase food from the food-seller across the road). This is the only option I'm left with, seeing as she has completely abandoned her role as a home-maker.
By the way, my wife is an appalling spendthrift. I really can’t tell if she’s misappropriating the feeding money, but I heard from a legion of reliable sources that my wife is building a massive house in another town of which I am absolutely unaware (or so she thinks). I also suspect that she’s been unfaithful to me, I have no proof of this…it’s just a blind suspicion, but I guess that’s explicable in view of the fact she’s a pathological liar and I do not trust her any more. This woman will have absolutely no qualms selling me out, I'm sure. Or maybe I’m just paranoid, who knows?
As I write this, my eyes well with bitter tears of agony and my heart feels flaccid, like a sapped orange…for I am wringing out of my heart, the secret (and not-so-secret) sorrows with which it has been engorged for so long. I was once okay with this woman, but now I am fed up, and whatever feelings I once had are fast being transmuted into hateful emotions. People keep saying that I am a weak man, lacking the nerve and courage to stand up to my wife and either kick her out of the house, or forcefully ensure that she effects changes in her lifestyle, but I don't want trouble, so what can I do? Should I just remain patient, like I have been all these years and maintain the status quo, or should I stand up, be a man and make things change for the better, and in doing so stir up a domestic revolution? Please Agony Aunt, your advice at this point is like a drop of water on the tip of the tongue of the rich man in the lake of fire – desperately needed.
P.S: I am aware that my letter may be too long to be published in your column, but I just had to pour out my heart, hope you do not mind too much. By the way I’d rather remain anonymous, but if initials are required, these would do: N.I.G. from Africa. If you so wish, you can reach me on +234-000-644-3742.
I write this, out of deep frustration, despair and irritation at this unpleasant vortex in which I find myself. I am a married man. That ordinarily should be good news, for marriage is a beautiful experience which is usually characterized by bliss, joy and harmony. It is a life-long union in which each party should serve as a pillar of strength and love for the other. This, however is not the case for me,for though I am a married man, my soul is sorely vexed with displeasure at the woman I call my wife. My heart aches deep within me, for I am, like many others, a party to an unhappy marriage that seems to be headed for the rocks. I am a man for whom the bliss of marriage has been transformed into a living hell, and these nuptial knots have become chains of angst and pain.
I love my wife, or at least I'd like to convince myself that I do. My marriage is the biggest source of pain for me these days, seeing how sour it has become. It is no longer the joyful period in the life of a man which it should be. For me, nothing seems to be going right in this excuse for a marriage in which I have found myself trapped. Agony, if I had known it would be this bad, I'd rather have ignored everyone's opinion and remained a bachelor for the rest of my life. It may seem extreme to you, but that is exactly how I feel at this moment.
I am married to a woman who seems not to care in the slightest bit about my feelings; she, as it were, ignores me. She seems to have no iota of love, for me, and seems to just be tolerating me. She pays no attention to my needs and desires. She cares little about my dreams, hopes and aspirations. My future is not exactly her favorite topic, and she never makes any effort to conceal that fact. Now, it may appear as if I’m just going on about my worries and fears, but the picture I am painting is grossly downplayed, such that all the high-colors of pain and anguish are not even being exactly portrayed.
My heart hurts, yes it does. It palpitates with severe aches; aches sprouting from my fears for my spouse and the relationship we have. I'd say treasure all we share, but the premium I place on our union is not in any way being mirrored by this woman to whom I'm married. For instance, she is absolutely indifferent about my current jobless, suspended state – no viable employment or profitable engagement, and she switches the issue every time I bring it up. I know she can help out, but she has not even pretended to be helping out, and that speaks volumes.
That is bad enough, but the way she treats my friends and relations leaves so much to be desired. My brother in Port-Harcourt complains frequently about her unkind behavior towards him, and he has already taken his complaints to another level; employing violence to protest and show his disenchantment with the way she behaves. Even my aged mother – who surprisingly is not even troublesome anymore – seems to be silently enduring all her uncouth manners, for she always declines to comment whenever anyone comes up with the topic of my wife’s badly irresponsible behavior.
Agony Aunt, it appears that this woman does not love me anymore - she probably never did - even though we happen to be legally married and still live together. My father foisted this woman on me, though I must admit (she is aware, too) that if only I was firmer and more deliberate with my objection to the marriage, we wouldn't be married. It is annoying beyond measure that the same man who forced her on me now seems to be silent about misbehavior. Hell, that's in the past, I was wrong, but what can I do?I have been advised to take a new wife to replace her (I plan to do so soon anyway), but what difference will that make? How am I certain that the new wife will not be as bad, if not worse than this lady with whom I currently reside (it hurts me to refer to her as my wife)?
This woman is inhumanly obdurate when it comes to expressing her views on any issue on which we have differing opinions. My wife, who is supposed to be submissive to me, her husband and crowning jewel, is practically now my boss. At times I wonder what happened to the vows she made on our wedding day at the Eagle Square. She either gets her way, or leaves me to my own devices, paying no heed to at all to me or my wishes. Worst of all, she has totally abandoned her wifely duties; she doesn’t cook my meals anymore so I have to eat out (usually I just send Emeka, my younger brother to purchase food from the food-seller across the road). This is the only option I'm left with, seeing as she has completely abandoned her role as a home-maker.
By the way, my wife is an appalling spendthrift. I really can’t tell if she’s misappropriating the feeding money, but I heard from a legion of reliable sources that my wife is building a massive house in another town of which I am absolutely unaware (or so she thinks). I also suspect that she’s been unfaithful to me, I have no proof of this…it’s just a blind suspicion, but I guess that’s explicable in view of the fact she’s a pathological liar and I do not trust her any more. This woman will have absolutely no qualms selling me out, I'm sure. Or maybe I’m just paranoid, who knows?
As I write this, my eyes well with bitter tears of agony and my heart feels flaccid, like a sapped orange…for I am wringing out of my heart, the secret (and not-so-secret) sorrows with which it has been engorged for so long. I was once okay with this woman, but now I am fed up, and whatever feelings I once had are fast being transmuted into hateful emotions. People keep saying that I am a weak man, lacking the nerve and courage to stand up to my wife and either kick her out of the house, or forcefully ensure that she effects changes in her lifestyle, but I don't want trouble, so what can I do? Should I just remain patient, like I have been all these years and maintain the status quo, or should I stand up, be a man and make things change for the better, and in doing so stir up a domestic revolution? Please Agony Aunt, your advice at this point is like a drop of water on the tip of the tongue of the rich man in the lake of fire – desperately needed.
P.S: I am aware that my letter may be too long to be published in your column, but I just had to pour out my heart, hope you do not mind too much. By the way I’d rather remain anonymous, but if initials are required, these would do: N.I.G. from Africa. If you so wish, you can reach me on +234-000-644-3742.
GBONO VERY FELI…
Over the years I've been doing some rap for my personal enjoyment. Recently I decided to do a freestyle on the beat of "Mo gbono feli feli" by D'banj...just for fun. I like it, probably because I'm a huge fan of myself. What I'm not sure of is whether YOU like it, so I decided to post it on my blog and see what whoever has to say about it. As usual, I've got some sweet wordplay, and some metaphors too...really just a blend of everything in a relatively Naija style.
Read it with your eyes, but try to hear it with the ears of your mind...that'll make you did it better.
Err’body did this, said they was handsome
Tell me which of 'em is as handsome as I am
I am, IM-ing the whole game
Asking, Is there any as fly as I am
Don't blaze, yet none's high as I am
I am the game's I am that I am
The illest muthafucker ever grace this beat
Beat it y'all lames, you can't match my firepower
Nuclear warheads, I'm a fucking superpower
Black strong hunk, you can call me Michael Power
When I spit, wack emcees cower
In fear...all 'em cowards kawa
Wawa alright if you drink up my flow
That ain't no surprise, considering how hard I go
Check my fan page, your idol is an admin
Funny thing is, he begged me to add him in
Gbono feli feli is just stating the obvious
I'm the fucking modern fusion of Sango and Morpheus
My flow's mind blowing, more than miraculous
Lyrically strong, call me Samson or Hercules
Naija on my shoulders, I'm her giant Atlas
Need directions, ask me, I'm rap's atlas
I'm the main mean man, many say I'm heartless
Cos fellas are breathless, honeys are braless
Me na bad man, but me not artless
My art’s more than fine, it's drop-dead gorgeous
Yours is pretty ugly, it's flop-dead nauseous
My mind's up here, yours is down there
Your time is up dear, cuz Jay is now here
Learning to fear me, is your first lesson
Plus I be overdosing on divine blessing
That's why I be chopping up, while y'all be lessing
It'd be pure folly fo' anyone to be messing
with me, cuz I'm finger-burning hot like Amala
And my flow's so sick, it could use some Amalar
I make look easy, no stress, no wahala
I'm so hot my gut is full of lava
Now that's understatin', let me restate it
My flow's ultra-violet, violent, devastating
Ultra-sexy LP, he's got divas getting
Stoned on his bone, wetting their panties
When the dawn come, they 'ont know where their pant is
That's how I do, Hov her, then shove her
'Fore you can say P-Square, I say the game's over
Don't get it twisted, I ain't propping the lame brovaz
Cuz I'm the Nicon Hilton, and they's D'Rovans
Asking who's flaming hot, it is I
No that's euphemistic, Heat is I
Don't touch pleease, my heat is high
Any nigga try, I hit his eye
With my mad puchlines, then heat his eye
Till ready to serve, then eat his eye (je oju e)
My shit is fly, you don't wanna compare
I ain’t your peer, rap's top compere
Peerless, Fearless, flow so seamless
Can't connect with this, your fone's so sim-less
My flow's intellectual, mentally tasking
Tall dark dude, so don't know why y'all asking,
Am I, MI-ing the game?
No folks, I'm Hova-ing the game
So feel free to have reasonable doubts
In no time, they'll be unreasonable doubts
See me, steaming like a kettle’s spout (o le nu bi kettle)
I get guys high like I’m extra-stout
I’m fresh out the furnace, I can’t shout
East to West, North to South
I’ve got the whole damn world singing along
Saying they ain’t seen a rapper this hot for long
My place on the thermometer, only few belong
And it’ll be long, before y’all can match this song
Not this year, maybe not the next
Need I say more ‘bout who’s the best?
Hip-hop died giving birth to me
But she really ain’t dead cuz she lives through me
Feel my heat…feel the beat
Gbono very feli!
Read it with your eyes, but try to hear it with the ears of your mind...that'll make you did it better.
Err’body did this, said they was handsome
Tell me which of 'em is as handsome as I am
I am, IM-ing the whole game
Asking, Is there any as fly as I am
Don't blaze, yet none's high as I am
I am the game's I am that I am
The illest muthafucker ever grace this beat
Beat it y'all lames, you can't match my firepower
Nuclear warheads, I'm a fucking superpower
Black strong hunk, you can call me Michael Power
When I spit, wack emcees cower
In fear...all 'em cowards kawa
Wawa alright if you drink up my flow
That ain't no surprise, considering how hard I go
Check my fan page, your idol is an admin
Funny thing is, he begged me to add him in
Gbono feli feli is just stating the obvious
I'm the fucking modern fusion of Sango and Morpheus
My flow's mind blowing, more than miraculous
Lyrically strong, call me Samson or Hercules
Naija on my shoulders, I'm her giant Atlas
Need directions, ask me, I'm rap's atlas
I'm the main mean man, many say I'm heartless
Cos fellas are breathless, honeys are braless
Me na bad man, but me not artless
My art’s more than fine, it's drop-dead gorgeous
Yours is pretty ugly, it's flop-dead nauseous
My mind's up here, yours is down there
Your time is up dear, cuz Jay is now here
Learning to fear me, is your first lesson
Plus I be overdosing on divine blessing
That's why I be chopping up, while y'all be lessing
It'd be pure folly fo' anyone to be messing
with me, cuz I'm finger-burning hot like Amala
And my flow's so sick, it could use some Amalar
I make look easy, no stress, no wahala
I'm so hot my gut is full of lava
Now that's understatin', let me restate it
My flow's ultra-violet, violent, devastating
Ultra-sexy LP, he's got divas getting
Stoned on his bone, wetting their panties
When the dawn come, they 'ont know where their pant is
That's how I do, Hov her, then shove her
'Fore you can say P-Square, I say the game's over
Don't get it twisted, I ain't propping the lame brovaz
Cuz I'm the Nicon Hilton, and they's D'Rovans
Asking who's flaming hot, it is I
No that's euphemistic, Heat is I
Don't touch pleease, my heat is high
Any nigga try, I hit his eye
With my mad puchlines, then heat his eye
Till ready to serve, then eat his eye (je oju e)
My shit is fly, you don't wanna compare
I ain’t your peer, rap's top compere
Peerless, Fearless, flow so seamless
Can't connect with this, your fone's so sim-less
My flow's intellectual, mentally tasking
Tall dark dude, so don't know why y'all asking,
Am I, MI-ing the game?
No folks, I'm Hova-ing the game
So feel free to have reasonable doubts
In no time, they'll be unreasonable doubts
See me, steaming like a kettle’s spout (o le nu bi kettle)
I get guys high like I’m extra-stout
I’m fresh out the furnace, I can’t shout
East to West, North to South
I’ve got the whole damn world singing along
Saying they ain’t seen a rapper this hot for long
My place on the thermometer, only few belong
And it’ll be long, before y’all can match this song
Not this year, maybe not the next
Need I say more ‘bout who’s the best?
Hip-hop died giving birth to me
But she really ain’t dead cuz she lives through me
Feel my heat…feel the beat
Gbono very feli!
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