OPEN LETTER TO THE DEVIL

Undear Devil,

For starters, fuck you.

I hope that made you wince, you heartless fool. I’m writing this to you on the occasion of my country’s 49th Independence Day Celebration, which you are already aware of. This in itself gives me another opportunity to express my profound, boundless dislike, nay, hatred for you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart, for you are the bedrock of all the evil that has befallen this land over the years.

You, wicked Lucifer, have made the tag of today’s event a joke on this nation and its entire populace, for instead of independence, we remain in captivity. Though free from official external control, referring to us as a sovereign nation is a misnomer. Also, I wonder what it is that is so special about this day that we claim to be celebrating. You have held us in bondage through poverty, hunger and lack in its ugliest forms, so no matter what we do today, we know that for us freedom has not truly come.

It has been said in all the Good Books that you are the fountain of all evil and the source of all hardship and pain in the world of man. With this in view, I have concluded that whatever is wrong with this country of mine is your fault in entirety. Yes, it is. You are the one who influences evil, for you are the well of evil; in fact you are evil itself. Everything that is, or has ever been wrong with this country is exclusively and completely your handiwork, you sadistic Satan. You know that I am saying the truth, so you can’t even challenge my assertions.

You are to blame for the culture of corruption which has become woven into the fiber of our daily life in this land. Our leaders have been driven by you to steal (loot, misappropriate, embezzle…whatever) the money of the people, and I know that you are the one who put them up to it. They are self-respecting, respectable statesmen who would not ordinarily do any of those things if not for your evil powers with which you compel them. Every time I hear the outcry of the people against some public official who took some of the national cake, I feel my soul burning with hatred for you, since I’m fully aware that you were the one who put him (or her) up to it. Sometimes you build houses well beyond their reasonable means for them and help them forget to declare such assets to the country, then push those irresponsible press-people to blow the issue out of proportion by revealing the simple facts.

It is absolutely your fault also, that we do not have reliable power supply in this country. You are the king of darkness, so I know that you are the one who is causing this lack of steady electricity which has worsened terribly over the years. Our great leaders desire strongly that we have power supply for at least 20hrs daily, but you have frustrated their efforts. The generator importers are just being blamed by most of the people for no just cause, because I know that they have done absolutely nothing to sabotage the power sector. It is you and your legions of demons that always spoil things in this nation. I can even remember when you sent your evil spirits to shoot that Minister of Power & Steel dead in his home, for trying to reform the sector.

Our educational sector is in shambles, Mr. Satan, and that once again is your fault. Why are you so wicked? The agreement which the Federal Government reached with the lecturers’ union (against your wishes) has not been honored, even after many years, and I know that this is also the fault of none other than you. It appears that since you know that knowledge is light, you want to keep our nation in the darkness of ignorance by doing all within your power to destroy the education sector. This affects me personally, so for this I hate you double. Devilish Bastard! You keep stealing funds meant for the development of schools and try to frame up the administrators (Commissioners, VCs, principals) by keeping such monies in their accounts. You truly are a worker of mischief in more ways than one. You donated money to the Minister of Education and convinced him to throw an insanely lavish wedding anniversary while ASUU was on strike, just to make him look bad to the people. You should be ashamed of yourself, Satan.
Now let me advise you, you had better have a proper disguise on whenever you’re going anywhere around the South-South region of Nigeria, (commonly referred to as the Niger Delta) because those guys will lynch (or maybe just kidnap) you if they see you. You intercepted the funds released for the development of their land and its people, then found a way to make the government and the oil companies look like the real culprits. You ‘misappropriated’ those funds and made it look as if the Government does not care about them at all. Even by your evil standards, that is terrible. Now those ones have made the creeks their residence, taking hostages and demanding ransom for it, at your prodding. I know you’re probably chuckling at this, but I’m sure you won’t if Jomo Gbomo or Boyloaf gets to you after reading this letter.

By the way, I don’t know exactly what kind of clout you’ve got within the ranks of the mass media, but somehow, you got some unscrupulous journalists to inflate the figures of the allowances received by the members of the National Assembly. To sensationalize the little matter of the unsecured loans issued by some banks, or to overhype the alleged ill-health of our agile and able President. Despite how well you’ve been using them, you recently sent some of your agents to kill them, just like you’ve been doing over the years; since the days of green uniforms and black boots.

Why did you try to get the leader of that Boko Haram group to soil the reputation of some blameless members of our political class by claiming they were his sponsors? Thank God someone had the good sense to kill the guy before he could utter the blasphemous words with which you had already filled his mouth.

As for crime, we all know it is your doing, just to make the police look ill-equipped, under-staffed and under-paid. The Good Book tells me that you steal, kill and destroy, so I know that we do not even have robbers or assassins in this country; you just masquerade as them.

In your infinite wickedness and evil scheming, you have also rendered our refineries practically ineffective, such that we have to import fuel from foreign nations. This has made petroleum products so high-priced, especially where it comes from – the Niger Delta. Obviously, you have a sense of humor that befits your status as the Devil. I am personally sick of seeing you evil hands run things in this country, to hell with you! (not like I’m actually going with you o!)

Satan, I also know that it is your fault that people think that these excellent leaders of ours are irresponsible and weak or lack a clear vision and purpose. This I am sure is the reason why we are earnestly trying to re-brand our nation and its leadership in the eyes of the world, first by getting a “woman-of-the-people” to model for our ruling party, then making her come up with slogans that can boost our morale and credibility anywhere in the world. The fact that this campaign of ours is not even working is your fault, as you have battered our image so badly that re-construction seems to be the only way out.

I know (as we all do) that 2011 is just around the corner, and you will most likely stage a repeat of what you did in the last elections. I trust that even from now, you have begun to train million of your minions who will execute massive rigging in the forthcoming elections. You may also plan that you will make our honorable politicians look bad by possessing some youths to claim that they are working as thugs for these men of noble character.

There are many more things which you have been orchestrating against this country to prevent things from running smoothly. I cannot go into all these now, but I trust God to frustrate all your efforts to portray our wonderful leaders as men who do not care about their sworn duties to the people.

As Nigeria’s 49th year of independence passes today, I see no reason to celebrate, because you have single-handedly, without the aid of any human agent, made all things unpleasant in this country.

Once again, fuck you very much!

Definitely Not Yours

Mr. Unrealistic Nigerian